Thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away

[Kiera80]

Hi everyone.  I'm new here to the forums and was hoping to get a bit of advice on what I'm thinking of doing.

I live with a younger sibling who I am currently a carer for.  My sibling was diagnosed a few years ago with BPD amongst a few other things. 

Before proper diagnosis I went through hell with my sibling.  The relationship was quite abusive and crazy and this went on for quite a while.  There were plenty of times I had police officers at my door as a result of my siblings behaviour.  As a result I myself was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.

That was a few years ago.  I have had to go to counselling and was also taking some medication which I'm now trying to taper off.

Unfortunately my sibling and I are living together.  All the care of my sibling fell onto me.  I had no other choice as I was the only one there.  Lucky me.

Lately, I have been under quite a bit of stress and not sleeping well which makes each day quite a struggle.  I feel like I'm going  to explode and a big part of the stress I'm dealing with still comes from my sibling.  I'm at a point where my brain is going into shutdown mode because I just can't take any more stress and that's no good at all because I still have to try and function at work.

I am constantly bombarded by my sibling with negativity and the need to enter into small arguments.  They always know better than me and will go to the ends of the earth to prove that they know better.  I feel like I'm being harassed every day.  My sibling can also be extremely selfish and rude and most of what is said makes no common sense to me at all.  It's like being on a merry go round of madness.

My sibling has never taken responsibility for anything they have said or done.

Right now I feel like leaving which means that everything will need to be divided up and sold off and we will each get half of what we own basically.  I want to go far away enough that you have to get on a plane to come visit me.  I don't even know if I would want to leave a forwarding address.

I just can't deal with living under the same roof anymore and to be really honest, a big part of me just doesn't care anymore.

Over the years my sibling has been in and out of mental hospitals and has turned my life upside down.  At least there is medication in place so things are stable most of the time but many aspects of the mental illness are still there.

I think I'm at the point where I want my life back.  Actually I'd kind of be starting a new life since my current life has been ruled for so long by someone else's behaviour and actions.  I've just had enough.

Any thoughts or comments would be very much appreciated.

[-karma-]

Hi @Kiera80

welcome to the forums

I thought you might to have a look at @Brodie post on BPD. Brodie has listed a 'first aid' approach to dealing with BPD. I particularly like point 2. '...the behaviours aren't about you'. Check it out here;

http://saneforums.org/t5/What-s-new-services-research/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-tips-for-famil...

Brodie has also provided some links for carers, family and friends in this post, whom often like yourself become exhausted in their relationships with individuals with BPD. This might be a good start for you in understanding your own feelings, and moving forward.

@Brodie, what else might you suggest for Kiera and her current situation?

Some time away, even if just temporarily may allow you to gain some perspective, rest, and the ability to plan how the future might look.

[Kiera80]

Thank you very much for the link you provided.  It was very informative.  I also found some of the comments interesting, especially where some people suggested that you stay far, far away from someone that has BPD.  I think that's the stage I'm slowly getting to.  I just feel like I want out.

I have the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" at home and I think I may need to try to read it.  I remember when my sibling was first diagnosed and I tried reading that book.  I couldn't even get through the first chapter without it making me feel really, really bad about the situation I was in.  Maybe now I can give it another go and read the whole book.

It's so easy to forget what's really going on and I'm finding myself becoming accustomed to the abuse again.  All I know is that I feel bad - ALL the time.

Being in a relationship with someone that has BPD is a bit like not seeing the forest through the trees.  You become conditioned to the behaviour and the abusive relationship almost seems normal when really it's absolutely not.  Me realising that gives me a glimmer of hope that I can try to do something to help myself.

I have decided that from today I'm going to start keeping a journal of all the abuse my sibling is throwing my way.  I may just keep that for myself or I may use it in my defence if I decide to cut ties.

I think I'm also going to make an app. with my doc to see if I can get another round of counselling because I'm really struggling to keep my head above water in this relationship.

If only the abuse would stop I think I could deal with the rest.  The smallest things are mountains instead of molehills and everything is always blown out of proportion.  I am at fault for every little thing that my sibling doesn't like or agree with.  It's that daily exposure to the BPD behaviour that's really doing my head in at the moment and I feel like I'm on a downward spiral into hell again.

Coming to forums to nut things out with others who have gone through similar experiences I hope will help too.  Any advice I can get I will most definitely take on board.

[CherryBomb]

Hi Kiera80,

Sounds like you're approaching a pretty tough decision to make. Thinking about throwing in the towel is never an easy decision, and quite often people find themselves in two frames of mind. On one hand, it can feel like you're abandoning your sibling, or that you've failed as a carer, yet on the other hand it can seem like sticking around will severely impacting on your well-being and you've done all you can. 

While I can't tell you what to do, thinking about the following can be useful:

- what would it be like for you if this continued for another 5 years without any changes?

- What do you need (as a minimum) from your sibling to improve the relationship and living arrangements? Is he willing to make some of these changes?

-What can you change is the situation to make it better for you?

- What would be the consequences of your decisions? And what do you feel most comfortable with?

I don't mean to bombard you with questions, but I find that when we face situations like these it can be helpful to tease stuff out with other people. Don't feel like you need to answer all those questions or that you even have to share the answers with us - just do what you feel comfortable with. 

You might find this thread helpful, which was posted by @Sister, who is caring for her brother. She has also found it challenging, which she is working through.  @Annabelle, I understand that you also care about a brother with MI. Any words of advice for Kiera80. @BananaHammock I understand that you care for someone with BPD, do you have any insights to share with Kiera80.  

Also you might find this post about healthy relationships useful. We also got Topic Tuesday coming up next week.  It's an online event where you can come online at the same time and 'meet' other members to discuss an issue. This month we're talking about what to do when someone won't seek help the way we'd like them too -  An issue that sounds similar to what you're going through. It'd be great if you could make it. You might 'meet' others going through a similar situation. 

Looking forward to hearing from you. 

CB 

[Annabelle]

Hi Kiera,

I can empathise with your situation as my younger brother is similarly a nightmare. Thank God he doesn't live with me and thank God he lives in a different state. I love him and wish him the best in life and I tell him this regularly (when we are speaking). However, there are often long periods of time (months) when I cut all communication with him for my own self-preservation. At times I have put a block on my phone. I need to set boundaries, because he plays mind games and can be very nasty. He is also paranoid and gets very angry. I have come to the conclusion that I do what I can (which is less and less the worse he gets) and if the outcome for him is ultimately bad, it's not my fault. I cannot change the course of his life, whatever I do. 

Here is my advice for what it's worth. And it is only my opinion. I think that you should be brave and go out and live your life. You only have one life and however long it is, it will be too short. Live your best life and don't feel guilty about chasing your dreams. I can understand that you feel as though your brother is your responsibility - after all, he has an illness that is not his fault. I agree that his illness is not his fault, but by him refusing to accept responsibility for it, it is. Acknowledging his illness, owning his behaviour and seeking help is not your responsibility. It is his. If he won't take responsibility, that's not your fault, it's his. Do what you can for him and don't feel guilty about what you can't. If you keep giving, he will suck you dry. He will talke and take and take. Yes, he has bipolar, etc, etc, but he also has free will, the free will to seek and accept help - and help is out there. First I would ring Carers Australia or Carers which ever state you live in. They will talk to you and let you talk to them and maybe that will clarify things in your mind. 

If I was you I would check out services - accommodation, medical, etc. Then I would seriously divide up everything and take your share. Move interstate if you want and support him from a distance. That is still caring. It is not throwing in the towel and it is not walking away. It is keeping one person (you) afloat because he is drowning and will drag you under if you don't do something look after yourself. It sounds like you are already drowning and if you do drown, that won't help anyone, especially your brother.

Get some good advice from someone you trust - someone who knows all about what you are going through. Figure out what you realistically can and can't do. What you truly want to do. Picture your future and live your life according to your potential, not his. 

I wish you a wonderful life. 

[Kiera80]

Thank you for your helpful post.  I do have alot to think about.

Being in two minds is a good point.  If I can get past thinking about me then yes, I do feel like I would be abandoning my sibling.  If I may be very blunt though, I have to admit that I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore.

The hardest thing is that so much of the behaviour over the past few years has affected me to the point of me being diagnosed with PTSD.  I struggle on a regular basis and that very much impedes on my ability to not only look after myself but my sibling too.  I don't feel as though I have failed in being a carer as I've been there from day 1 for my sibling.  Some of these times include - my sibling self harming, my sibling disappearing during the night and getting into trouble with the police, my sibling being admitted to the psychiatric ward on several occasions, my sibling causing major disruption with other family members, to name but a few of the exciting events that have happened (excuse the sarcasm).

All of those times I stepped in and have been there to try to help, to get answers, to diffuse volatile situations.  I am completely worn out.  I have been anxious, depressed, worried and fearful.  Was any of that help and care appreciated by my sibling?  Not in the slightest.

I would love to answer some of the questions you posted so here goes:

1. If I continued another 5 years in the current relationship with my sibling I think I would be a complete basket case.

2. What I would need from my sibling to improve the relationship is a bit of space.  My sibling is constantly in my face on a daily basis.  I would love to see my sibling get some sort of counselling to try to control some of the compulsive behaviour and abuse.  However, my sibling is a high functioning BP and doesn't think they are unwell at all.  They think I'm the one who has the mental problems.

3. What I can change to make the situation better for me is to get away from my sibling which is why I'm thinking of cutting ties permanently.  When I think about being on my own I feel relief.

4. The consequences of cutting ties and moving away would no doubt cause my sibling to completely lose control and act out at the thought of being abandoned by me.  For once in my siblings life they would need to stand on their own two feet (could be a good thing or not).  I feel very comfortable with the decision to move away.

I will check out some of the other threads you have mentioned, thank you for those.

I'm also thinking my sibling has narcissistic personality disorder.  My sibling is a complete Jeckyll and Hyde.  The behaviour displayed at home never gets seen by the outside world where my sibling can charm the pants off anybody.  The way my sibling behaves around other people is quite remarkable and those people wouldn't have a clue as to what's really going on.  The behavoiur my sibling exposes me to would never be tried on with other people.

My relationship with my sibling is again on a downward spiral.  I am even noticing at work that I'm not able to concentrate and do my job properly anymore. I am getting by but barely.  If the stress of dealing with my sibling on a daily basis was removed I would have the peace I'm looking for.  I'm sure it would be a big adjustment for me too but in the end I could have the chance of being happy again.

A small example of the sillyness that I experience regularly. My sibling found a spot of coffee that I had accidentally spilled on the handle of a cup.  The cup was then brought immediately to me and I was abused for carrying out such a dastardly deed.  I mean really?  The end of the world must be nigh - again.

[SadMum]

Oh boy, did your story strike a chord with me @Kiera80 ! 

My story could just about be your story except it is not my sibling who abuses me but my son. He has no formal diagnosis but is certainly depressed. I am home from work today because there was no way I would have been able to function there. Last night (the eve of his 21st) resulted in another whole punched in another door, another barrage of abuse at me, an endless supply of profanities and another threat of suicide because he didn't get what he wanted. This time though I rang the police. They were obliged to take him to a Mental Health Unit however he was released before midnight. 

This pattern has most definitely escalated over the years and it's a slippery slope from normal teenage argumentativeness to actual domestic abuse by a manwho happens to be your son. A slippery slope that happens before you even realise. And when you do, the horror of the realisation is just too much to bear.

it's my own fault, my boundaries are inevitibly broken when he tantrums becuase I just can't bear the abuse and it's easier for me to give him what he needs and have him leave me alone.

I feel your pain kiera80. I am also at a stage where I can no longer take it and I don't have the energy to give anymore. I'm lost in the wilderness and feel little hope for him right now.  

[morningstar]

Hi Kiera, it's not "throwing in the towel" , it's called getting a life of your own. And the same goes for your sister. It's a pain to think about splitting things up, but IMHO it's a lot more painful for both of you to still be in the same relationship in a year, 5 years, 20 years!

You don't say how old your sis is, but I guess old enough to look after herself daytoday? You mnetion she's on meds but from what ive rread, its psychotherapy that really helps with symptoms of bpd. Has she seen a psychologist for this kind of specialist help? I know there's a specialist BPD service in Victoria called Spectrum and think some other States have them too. I'd certainly see a psychologist yourself as well to help how you look objectively at the relationship and what you're going to do about it.

Good luck, and remember 'it doesn't have to be like this' - for you or for her.

[NikNik]

Hi @SadMum & @Kiera80 

Abuse is never okay.

@Kiera80 It sounds like you have considered your options and weighed it all up. I echo a lot of what everyone else has said. You're not throwing in the towel, you're showing great strength in making important decisions for yourself. It takes a lot of courage.

@SadMum - Your situation sounds heart breaking. It's never okay to face abuse. Above all - It's not your fault. It's common for people who face abuse to blame themselves, but I want you to know that it's not the case. Regardless if it's your son's mental illness causing him to do this, you need to be safe. Here are some organisations who can offer support:

Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault: 1800 737 732

State based helplines can be found here

@SadMum would you feel comfortable in calling one of the helplines? Is there anyone else that lives with you?

Good on you both for speaking out. I think there are a lot of carers in this position and it's important to talk about.

Nik

[Kiera80]

Wow, I can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and advice.

One thing that came through strongly for me is that if I were to move away then that would be creating the ultimate boundary.  I could love my sibling from afar without being subjected to what I'm going through now.  Deep down I do care about my sibling, it's just that I don't feel it right now in the fog.

I fell into the trap very early on in feeling so bad and sorry for my sibling that I became more than I carer.  I became responsible for my siblings entire life.  Doing that clouded everything from there on.

Your comment Annabelle on not being able to change your siblings life is so true.  I have been trying to do that for ages and obviously not getting anywhere.  I might as well have spent my time banging my head against a brick wall.  They do suck you dry don't they?  I have supported my sibling for so long now that I have put most of my own needs in second place.  I guess it's fairly normal to think we can fix things when they're broken.

@SadMum  You are in exactly the same place I was 2 years ago with this rate of escalation.  I also gave in when the abuse and crazy behaviour became uncontrolable.  I really, really feel for you right now.  This also all happened before my sibling was properly diagnosed with BPD.  It's a very real and very frightening situation to be in.  You did the right thing in calling the police.  I believe we have every right to use the laws of the land to assist us when necessary. The next time your son explodes at you and becomes violent I would call in the CAT team directly.  He will again end up in the mental health unit at the hospital but honestly, this is quite often the best place.  I've been there done that many times.  The hardest thing once they are admitted is to push for a proper diagnosis.  You absolutely must sit down with one of the mental health workers there and explain exactly what has been happening at home.  You see, a lot of health professionals operate under the privacy law codes and feel that they don't have to tell you anything, even though you are a direct relative and carer.  One day I had the biggest argument with the hospital staff.  I had reached my breaking point where I wasn't getting any answers and I was scared.  It's a wonder they didn't lock me up with all the yelling that was going on.  But, who the hell cares.  You deserve to get answers and your son needs to get the correct diagnosis and treatment. Be strong and put your foot down.  Also think about somewhere you can go that's safe to get out of the house if you need to.  Whether that be another relative, a friend, a cafe or even a shopping centre.  Heck, camp out at the police station if you have to.  My sibling one day threatened to put an axe in my head (with axe in hand) and I knew I had to leave then and there.  I too had to call the police and my sibling was carted away to the psych unit.  I just fell in a heap and cried my eyes out.  What does any normal person do in a situation like that?  Your safety is paramount so have a plan in place that you can use short notice if you have to.  Please try to get some help for yourself from as many places as possible.  Not everything will be a good fit.  I would also go to your doctor and ask for a mental health plan to be drawn up for you.  You can access a certain amount of free counselling.  Then seek out someone who has experience in dealing with BPD from your side of things.

I wish I knew I could have had access to some of the services listed in these posts when I was going through the hardest times with my sibling.  There are some wonderful resources out there.  Another good place is Arafemi (http://www.arafemi.org.au/).  I attended some interactive talks there which were quite helpful as well. 

You are all correct in saying that having someone in our lives that has a mental illness is not our fault.  I think as relatives we feel that we need to help and rescue and in excess that can be our downfall.  It is so hard to separate ourselves when we see a loved one in pain but I think that's what makes up our humanity.

I will be trying to get some more counselling sessions soon.  I am so grateful to all of you who have taken the time to help me think this through and sort things out.

My sibling has attended some sessions at Spectrum but I think they have moved out of our area now.  I may follow up on that.  My sibling in the past has been very reluctant to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist (because they know nothing is wrong with them).   I can try to bring it up again and see how it goes.