First time I can't stop thinking about suicide

[Calmside]

So....my wife has been F.....g another guy for a while now. We've been married 14 years and its been rocky a lot but she told me just the other day that its over. It sounds insane that I haven't left her already but we've got a really complicated past and I am also religious and felt I needed to leave the door open for forgiveness for her.

She on the other hand is like a damned archaeologist because she's an expert at digging up the past and throwing it in my face.

I've been finding it hard to deal with thinking about the future. I'm in the adf so I can't let anyone know I'm thinking about suicide otherwise if I don't go through with it it'll be career over.

I've been trying to keep my mind occupied and plan for a possible future where I get to see my kids which will mean quitting defence within a year so I'm not posted away. Also thinking about money and what the minimum I'll need to live on. This is because I'll need to pay her a bunch of money because she chooses not to work.

I made a plan of how much I could afford which I thought was a fairly generous split of 60/40 with her being the 60. I don't have much money though so it was only about $40 grand in cash and $100k in super.

She told me that she wanted more though and then started saying that she could tell the police I did domestic violence and that I'd go to jail. She calmed down slightly later and said that she thought maybe she wouldn't dobit though because then I wouldn't be able to pay her more money.

She blames me for everything that happened in our relationship and says that I owe her compensation. She also said that I shouldn't quit my job because then I can't pay her. I want to quit though so I can see my kids.

I felt like I had to leave the house because she wouldn't calm down. I grabbed a few things and then told my boys I had to go for a while and didn't know when I'd be back.

While I was driving away I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. I definitely know that I want to die but I also have certain thoughts and beliefs holding me back.

I stopped at a supermarket to get food and while I was there I had a headache but I didn't buy any medicine because self-harm and suicide was so strong in my mind.

I was able to get out of the supermarket and I drove away and found a place to park. Now I'm sitting in the back of my car.

I reached out to a couple of friends without mentioning what I was specifically feeling but they have just come down with covid. Then I messaged lifeline but it was terrible and it felt like I was messaging a bot so I just stopped.

I don't think I'm going to off myself but I can't stop thinking about it.

I don't want to go to a hospital either otherwise my work will find out.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

[Calmside]

Thanks mod for removing the bit that contains specific details about suicide methods. Apologies for that as its my first time to post.

[tyme]

Dear @Calmside ,

Firstly, Welcome to the forums. 

I'm sorry to hear of this difficult situation you are in. 

Though the dark clouds linger, just wait for the glimpses of light to shine through. We may not be able to give you answers for what is happening, but we CAN sit with you at this time. You are not alone.

Please note, unfortunately, SANE is not a crisis service, and hence I will include numbers for crisis services below:

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

Samaritans: 135 247 

MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978

If in immediate danger: 000 

Sitting with you at this time,

tyme

[tyme]

@Calmside 

If you'd like to tag me or other members to your posts so they receive a notification of your posts, please type "@" in front for their name and a drop down list will appear.

tyme

[tyme]

Tagging a few members @Appleblossom @wellwellwellnez @Eve7 @Sophia1 @Bow 

[Appleblossom]

@Calmside I like your name.  Glad you are thinking about what is best for the kids long run.  I cant advise if its best to stay in adf or not, but felt the unfairness and intensity of your distress, and have often sat in the car feeling like that.  Also leaving the house to protect kids from a scene. I did have an issue with my local emergency department cos of knowing someone at the front desk.

60/40 sounds generous to me.

I struggled with religious issues and staying, but a relationship takes 2 and if she is not in it.  Many churches are understanding and admit modern realities.  

Just saying hello.  There may be other ways of dealing with your feelings than telling them at work ... look around ... Take Care

[Eve7]

Welcome @Calmside to the forums.

There are lots of supportive people who are willing to share their lived experience so I hope you are able to get to know us.

Take care

[MDT]

hey @Calmside

When the sh!t hits the fan it doesn't spread evenly does it?

It's a hell of a lot to take in.

Firstly you mentioned religion and forgiveness. I was always told that forgiveness takes time. Right now, you are hurting and there is a wound. That wound must be tended to. The things that cause it must be removed and it sounds like you did this by removing yourself from the situation. Good move.

You've contacted friends so that's good. You mentioned work too - ADF - do they have people you can speak to? Are they obliged to tell your CO's if you express thoughts of suicide? And if they did, are you entitled to paid leave?

Have you considered contacting the mental health support line?

Here's a good resource list for lines that help. Sometimes it does depend on the person we speak to on these service providers too i feel.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines

[MDT]

take care and always drop by @Calmside

[Bow]

Hey @Calmside  welcome to the forums firstly, it takes courage and vulnerability to share your story and the dark place you find yourself. 

A lot of people here will be able to share and understand your experiences with suicidal thoughts. It’s a scary place to be at times, and this is a safe place to talk about it…. Just need to be mindful of doing it in a safe way and within the guidelines. 

I unfortunately share in your experience with now having an ex husband who cheated on me. I too also have a faith and really struggled with leaving my marriage because of it. But I did give him a chance to change but he didn’t want to and I’m working on the whole forgiveness thing…. It’s hard! 

it’s a complex and complicated situation you find yourself in- which I am really sorry for, it’s not easy! And it’s emotionally draining having to go through the financial separation and dealing with child custody arrangements. Remember it’s what is in the kids best interests, put the ‘I’ and ‘you’ aside and work on what is best for them. 

I hope that you are currently safe and can reach out for some professional support, you deserve it.

🎀