Relationship breakdown cheating again

[Zaaleria]

My partner and I have been together for 18 years. It's been mostly a domestic violence relationship the entire time. I've always just tried to please him but no matter what I'm never good enough, never nurturing enough, never feeling enough, never sexual enough. 

I have no friends left because he insulted everyone and they all left me with him, I have no one to talk to anymore, I'm completely alone. 

He cheated with this girl within 4 year's of our relationship, and now with the same girl 14 years later. 

He keeps saying I love you both dearly, I'm torn and confused but I just want you to leave me alone cos I can't deal with it. He always defending her and has barely spoken a word to me in months that isn't lies and I'm supposed to feel bad for her.

She's already buying him gifts, ubering food to my house for him, their literally just throwing it in my face. 

I can't stop crying, I feel so inadequate and unloved and I don't know what to do, please help me. Please 

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Zaaleria ...I feel for you in your awful situation 😞

I'm no expert in relationships...but can you contact 1800-RESPECT? 1800-737-732 That's the domestic violence counselling helpline. They also have text chat. The website is https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

Wishing you heaps of good wishes, @Zaaleria ...

[hanami]

Hi @Zaaleria 

I'm so sorry to hear your story. It saddens me that your partner has treated you so poorly for so long. You deserve better than that you really do. It's great though that you've reached out here for support. It takes a lot of courage to do that. As well as the 1800 RESPECT number I'm going to add this link about leaving a domestic relationship. Of course, that may not be what you want to do but the information here might be something for you to help you think about all that's happening. 

Remember, you DO deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve a good life and not to be disrespected and walked over the way you have been for so long.

Sending warmest wishes

Hanami

https://www.australianfamilylawyers.com.au/information-centre/leaving-domestic-violence-relationship

[StuF]

@hanamiyou didn't include your link?

@Zaaleriasorry to hear what you are going through

[hanami]

thank you! @StuF 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Zaaleria 

I'm really glad you have reached out to us - you are most welcome in this forum - and it took courage to write your post.

I am no expert either - if you are giving your best to this partner then I am sorry but it seems that nothing will ever be good enough - and it seems your self-worth has been destroyed along with any friendships you have had in the past - that is so sad and also - it does happen.

People have given you some good suggestions here - 

I can add - my marriage was sad rather than bad - still I was so lonely - it was devastating. My ex and I were living in the same house but not together anymore and I ended it - I know how hard it is to do this - and hard to start again - but it was truly worth it.

I do wish you the best and hope you keep in touch

Owlunar

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Zaaleria ,

I'm really sorry to read what you have gone through. I can't imagine how tough things have been for you over the years - my heart really goes out to you.

When I was reading your post I was wondering about what you want from this relationship? I can hear you have tried to appease him throughout the years but what about the relationship from your side? How has he taken care of you, supported you, etc. I'm wondering why does he get to decide how the relationship plays out? I maybe wrong but from what you have said I am worried that he has really worn down your self-esteem over the years and you don't see how much you deserve. You deserve to have someone support you, love you, and you treat you with respect. I now it's far from easy but I think you should prioritise yourself in all this and recognise your worth.

I really wish you all the best,

FloatingFeather 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Zaaleria and welcome to the forums. What stuck with me the most in your post is how much you are doing in this relationship and how little your 'partner' seems to be doing. I put that in italics as relationships are a two way street and if one half is not putting in the effort then it all falls onto one person to try to make it work. It seems that your 'partner' wants to have his cake and eat it too but will not make a decision for either of you what he really wants. It is unforgivable that this other person is sending things to your partner and putting you in an awful place. No-one can tell you what to do but it is not fair you are being put in this position at all. Please reach out to 1800 RESPECT - they can offer advice, go through your options, provide support and be an ongoing resource for whatever you decide. We, of course, will also be here to support you because despite what your current situation suggests - you matter and deserve better.