Lived Experience Forum

[SpiderLady]

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I can't remember everyone to add your names in, it's not that I don't like you or that I don't care, I'm just struggling to think clearly right now.

I haven't logged on for a few days. I found that I was stressing about replying to everyone in a timely manner, I was putting undue pressure on myself. With the coronavirus restrictions, I have been ordering things online, since I can't get about to actual shops. Orders have been split and coming from all over Australia, it seemed for a while there I was getting one delivery every day, even weekends now. I felt that I had to be available to everyone and everything and it just overwhelmed me. Because posties and couriers don't tell you what time of day (or at all sometimes) they will be delivering, I felt on edge from 7am (when one courier company arrived) until 7:20pm one evening. I got to the point where I was too anxious to go to the bathroom in case someone knocked on my door. I really stressed myself out.

Mother's day is a big trigger for me too, I am neither a daughter to a mother nor a mother. I so wanted to have my own children, but was unable to. So Mother's day is a real tug on the heart strings for me. So worked up about it, that I didn't sleep at all on Saturday night, despite herbal infusions, essential oils, herbal sleep tablets, and prescription meds.

In a way, it helped to have a sleepless night because I was a zombie all day yesterday and felt very little other than tired and sore.

Anyway I have been doing a lot of self talk and trying to remind myself that I chose to join these forums for myself, because I was lonely and if it is too much to keep checking and replying, have a break and that's okay. So I am sorry if I haven't replied to any of you, I didn't mean to stop mid conversation or be rude, I was overwhelmed by my own expectations of myself, it wasn't anything personal.

It seems that with all the restrictions and appointments called off, no support worker face to face etc., I get a bit panicky when there is an appointment, deadline, something that I need to be up,dressed and ready for. I functioned better when I was busier. These days trying to squeeze in a shower before 7am deliveries and 9am phone calls is just too much for me. I put on some clothes to look semi respectable to receive my deliveries but I am unwashed and probably stink! Thank goodness for social distancing. I skip meals to be "available" and I am having physical consequences for all of this. 

I have so many things that I could be doing at home, that I enjoy doing, but feel too on edge to start anything. I have a stack of fabric that I really want to be sewing and knitting projects. I have signed up for online courses that I'm dying to get into, but there always seems to be something that I'm waiting for, or things that I have to do for example washing clothes when it isn't raining.

I have too many shoulds in my mind!!! Terrible word that. I must remind myself to choose, not to tell myself what I should be doing, but rather choose to do or not to do something at that time. Take my power back rather that letting 'shoulds' control my life.

I am going to choose to finish for now, so that I can eat some dinner (something that I just threw in the slowcooker earlier today) and watch a DVD.

Once again I am sorry for not mentioning you all individually or replying. I am so grateful that you have been kind to me and included me. You are all wonderful people, thankyou!!!

I will try to be back sooner, just must practise that self talk so that I don't end up pressuring myself again.

Take care of yourselves and have a good night.

SpiderLady  

[Former-Member]

Hey @SpiderLady .

Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're dealing with a lot. You don't need to apologise for taking time out for yourself, not checking notifications, anything really. You need your space and are entitled to it, your feelings are valid and so are you. We all need time out to ourselves, self care is a neccessity not selfish.

I hope you're doing ok, check back if and/or when you feel comfortable. I'll be here to try and do my best to support you, I'm sorry I'm not much help but I do care, always will. I'm here for you.

Please be safe and take care of yourself. I find that buying things online is a bit of a pamper type thing and can help, it does for me a little, gives me stuff to look forward to.

[BlueBells]

Hi @SpiderLady :)<br><br>Like your name, by the way ;)<br><br>Chill. <br><br>Way easier said than done, I know that. So what if you skip the shower, who really cares anyway? <br><br>So what if the courier has to wait a few minutes? So what if you are offline for a while?<br><br>So what if you watch movies all day, or like I've started, quiet relaxing music on youtube and doing jigsaws on my iPad.<br><br>Make the most of the lockdown. It's a perfect holiday where you are answerable to.....yourself 🙂 🙂 :)<br><br>Pamper yourself, hug yourself, play around in the kitchen and cook something new.<br><br>The things you've planned...fabric etcetera, chuck the "shoulds" for a while, and just........chill ;)<br><br>Lots of hugs 🙂

[BlueBells]

@SpiderLady
Well, that looks messed up. I used one innocent word that was objected to...and I didn't realise I had to correct all the <br> that mucked up
Tried to make it easy to read....fail 🙂

[NatureLover]

Hi @SpiderLady , I think it's good that you gave yourself a bit of a break if you needed it. Being overwhelmed is such a sucky and panicky feeling.

I'm sorry you feel pressure from the deliveries and the phone. And that Mother's Day was so tough for you. I agree, "should" is a bad word! I hope you feel able to get into the sewing and knitting projects and online courses soon. All the best. (No reply needed! 🙂 )

[SpiderLady]

Hey @Former-Member thankyou very much for what you have said. It helps, a LOT! You were helpful with that and I appreciate that. We all have our issues and anyone who can be kind to someone else, offering support when they have their own stuff, well that's awesome!

[SpiderLady]

Hi @BlueBells thankyou thankyou thankyou. What you said is so right and I am grateful to hear it. I have been working on this new attitude of mine and actually do feel more like "so what". It is a good excuse for a holiday and loads of self care time. I have planned cooking a pizza on Friday, and a weekend of sewing. Thanks again.

[SpiderLady]

Hey @BlueBells I got it, I understood. No worries.

[SpiderLady]

Hey @NatureLover thankyou! I appreciate the no reply needed after what I have said. But I am feeling better about the whole self pressure and shoulds etc. Been working on it in my head and feeling more relaxed about it all. Haven't had a chance to do any sewing yet and I made a big booboo in my knitting and had to undo it all the other day. But that's okay, I have the time don't I! I did check out an online poetry class. I wrote a paragraph like the exercise said to, but have put it aside for a bit so that I don't criticise it to bits. I am only a beginner, so I must go easy on myself and not expect some masterpiece first up. I'm sure Lord Byron and Sylvia Plath wrote some duds before they became famous. Take care

[NatureLover]

@SpiderLady wrote:
But I am feeling better about the whole self pressure and shoulds etc. Been working on it in my head and feeling more relaxed about it all. 

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This is good to hear, @SpiderLady  🙂

And that's great you are able to do some activities online and with unravelling the knitting (eek!).