@FloatingFeather @hanami
saw my GP and told him that i have strong urges to self harm. he asked me what is stopping me from doing it - i couldn't answer.
he said he is not worried about my physical health as i have meds at the moment to control the fast heart rate and inflammation. he told me he is worried about my mental health and the decline i go through every now and then. he said that my mum has played a big part in contributing to my stressors. and that i need to look at all the good things in my life eg. my kids, and little A and how much happiness she gives me.
he said staying in bed most days during the day isn't good for my mental health and i then ruminate and think of every negative thing in my life.
he wants me to continue doing craft things and seeing friends especially when invited. i told him i cancelled my lunch appt with a friend last week and he said no i need to do things like that to help me feel better about myself.
it's all too hard; my mum is paying for this big time. i want to yell at her, i want to scream, hit punch and whatever else i want to do. i want her to feel the pain i am in and see how it feels to not receive phone calls or a care in the world.
i am triggered every day by some things and i want it all to go away. i can't calm down even though i try at times. i am in a state of panic all the time and it is exhausting.
life is not fair, life is extremely difficult and i don't know how much longer i can keep going.
