My Mosaic

[Bow]

Cleaning/sorting/decluttering… anything, is always better when ya have someone to help @Jynx and some music. That helps too. Glad you got some done though. 
you mentioned a while back about getting some ndis funding to help with this kinda stuff. Any progress with that? 

Can’t send my CM a message. No way to. Only phone calls. Which feels really hard at the best of times. They are all very anti written/text communication. :middle_finger:to them.  
my SW I can text. And I do text. Which is helpful. I sent her a text in the middle of the night when I woke from a nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. 

Anniversary is the 3rd. Suppose to celebrate my brothers birthday. His 30 this year. But instead i absolutely dread the day and the time around it cause my step dad did horrible things to me. Was suppose to be a happy time in our family. Little bro was coming into the world. He was born prem. Mum had to stay in hospital longer and my s d did all sorts of horrible things. 

[Bow]

Yep @tyme  can use them as I need 

[Jynx]

@Bow Yes and no... mostly no 😅 One of those funky lil catch-22 where I struggle to do things like book the psychiatrist appt I need to kick start the process of getting support so that I don't struggle to do things like book the psychiatrist appt 😵🤣

Okay this might be me being cheeky but, why don't you call, let it ring once, then hang up? Then you aren't really making a phone call you're just 'pranking' her to get her attention? 

That's so hard darlin. And especially to have what's supposed to be a happy occasion just feels like one of sorrow and pain. As far as I recall, your brother doesn't know...? Like as in, you aren't really able to chat to anyone from your family about it so you just kinda keep it all inside... 🥺

[Bow]

Oh yep I get them painful catch 22 things @Jynx @can you leave yourself a little note?  ‘Hey Jynx you should make that psychiatrist appointment cause it’s gonna lead to good things including making your life easier’

I can’t really prank her either. I only get the centres number so they aren’t really going to know who’s calling them. So freaking annoying! I’ve said it before but i had my old psychologist and CM’s numbers, but not these ones. 

I don’t know what my brother knows. He does not care to have anything of his dads, he doesn’t talk about him so maybe he does know? It’s just really hard. Birthdays are to be celebrated. Especially big ones like your 30th. I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. The memories are so vivid. 

[Jynx]

@Bow aww bless that is actually so cute! I will get cracking, make it all pretty-like! 

*Spends 3 hours writing the note, doesn't call psychiatrist* 

😂

Ugh if it's not one thing, it's another hey! If I am this frustrated just reading about your experiences then I can only imagine how you feel. 

Maybe he does know... Maybe he hopes that you don't remember or something? It's always so hard when it's family, and especially when it comes to abuse. Do you think your brother notices that you're not always the most perky around his bday? 

And is he having a party or something? Be nice if you could find a way to celebrate, maybe at a different time when you're able to make it just about you as siblings... IDK food for thought. 

[Bow]

Haha your like me @Jynx @that’s what id do too. 

Don’t know what to do @Jynx  its hurting a lot tonight. I want it to stop 

[Jynx]

Hehe well there's a reason we get along @Bow!!  

I hear you, and I know how much you want it to stop hun. Wanna take a few deep breaths here, and maybe check in with your needs? I can pop the kettle on if you like, some tea to warm you to your tootsies? 

[Bow]

Taking some breaths I keep forgetting to do that find myself constantly holding my breath and then getting into a panic when I feel yucky body memories 

I don’t really know what I need @Jynx  not real good at figuring that out much guess I just need safety and to feel secure if anything 

I’m gonna make a cuppa been laying here for ages trying to muster the energy to get up and make one. Probably might take my meds too

[Jynx]

I have a post-it note that reminds  me @Bow - 

'Three deep breaths'

Helps me remember to pause and let myself become still. 

Hmm I don't have a magic safety vibes wand alas. I got virtual hugs a-plenty and some glow sticks for the darkness, umbrellas for the stormy feelings, hmmm what else... This tiny rubber ducky for some reason, a small stockpile of resilience, annnnd oh! An infinity hug, that never runs out of warmth. Want any of those? 

Mmm tea is good. Chai for me. You?

[Bow]

That did make me smile a little bit @Jynx  post it note to remember to breath but a gorgeous 3hr note to make a phone call won’t work…. I know I know. Not that simple at all. Maybe I could put a couple of notes up. If only my Apple Watch could detect it and send me a little reminder like it does when your heart rate is high. 

I wil always take a hug and the rubber ducky and glow stick too please. 

I just had a chai. In my new bow mug from Kmart! Look at it!