Lived Experience Forum

[Llamadrama1212]

Hi Everyone,

I was diagnosed with bpd 3 years ago and have been doing DBT since. It did help a little bit but ultimately I still really struggled to look after myself and after experiencing a very toxic workplace, cheating by my partner and probably what I think now is autistic burnout my entire life changed this year. 

I have been referred to get assessed for autism and adhd which I have suspected since I was teenager I might have. But to hear my psychologist suggest it’s highly likely I am autistic after all this time working on myself and years and years of therapy since I was a kid, it’s just kind of devastating. I cannot ‘fix’ the autism. If I’m autistic I will struggle for the rest of my life. They’ve done studies where neurotypical instantly decide they don’t like neurodivergent people upon meeting them for the first time (where the NTs didn’t know the NDs were ND). 

im terrified for what my future holds especially in terms of financial stability. Right now i cannot work full time only casually. If I can’t work full time I’ll never be able to save enough for a house deposit. 

I’ve been experiencing what I think is regression where I’m much more sensitive to noise and crowds and hate the shops and leaving the house so much more than I used to. I’m utterly exhausted and it’s so hard to drag myself out of bed. 

I know anecdotally and from researching online that the NDIS is absolutely shocking and that it’s highly likely I wouldn’t be eligible for it at all. But I just cannot seem to function and look after myself like I used to without ending up extremely overwhelmed and in tears.

If anything finding out I’m highly likely to be autistic has just made me feel even more suicidal than before because I know how poorly autistic people are treated and how there in such inadequate support and also that all the DBT in the world won’t take away my struggles if I’m autistic.

please if anyone has any advice, words of comfort or personal experience it would be much appreciated 

[Jynx]

Hey there @Llamadrama1212, I am so sorry to hear that this has all put so much weight upon you that it has meant your suicide ideation has gotten worse - that can be so scary hey. Are you safe at the moment? Are you worried about acting on the thoughts? 

I have more to say but wanted to ask you that first - I will respond with the rest soon 💜

[Jynx]

Annnnd here's my other thoughts @Llamadrama1212 😉

I am ND myself - diagnosed ADHD, and I have enough autistic traits to feel a sense of comradery and mutual understanding with the autistic community (but maybe not enough to get an official diagnosis, but who knows). I can tell you that it is VERY normal to experience grief when you are processing this (potential) diagnosis. The fact that I am never not going to struggle with my basic functioning was a really rough thing to come to terms with, and pretty much ALL of my ND friends have gone through the same grieving process. It's like trying to process the loss of a life you'll never get to live, and it is a very legitimate form of grief. So take your time with it hun, it is okay to be feeling this way. 

I've never heard of these studies about NTs not liking NDs to begin with. I understand why that would feel so discouraging! I imagine that it is something that happens, sure - but it would not be a universal experience, and honestly if some NT person immediately doesn't like me just because of how I move through the world, I wouldn't want to have that person in my life anyway. It would be a very hurtful study to have read when you're trying to process this news, for sure. If it does turn out you're ND, I will say that meeting and spending time with other ND people has been the BEST - it sometimes feels like we speak a different language, and finding other ND people feels like finally finding people who get me. I hope you find this feeling too. 

I too, have heard not-so-great things about NDIS, but it could still be worth investigating - never know if you don't try, and all that jazz. It can be a daunting process, for sure, so obviously don't push yourself if you don't feel ready, or feel like it wouldn't be worth the effort. But ASD is definitely recognised as a disability, and if you also have other mental or physical health conditions that make it harder to function, that definitely ups your chances too. 

We've got a wee ASD social thread, it could use some more action I reckon so feel free to join and post there! I hope you find the right path forward, and can remember that you're definitely not alone in this journey 💜

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Llamadrama1212 

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I can imagine the devastation you are feeling hearing that from your psychologist, particularly when you have been working so hard for so long in therapy.  I know its a lot to process, but try not to think of needing to "fix" yourself or your diagnosis.  Both NT and ND individuals have things that they deal with every day of their lives to do with functioning, mental health etc.  Try not to think of needing to fix something, rather think how can you learn strategies to help you cope and function.  A firm diagnosis from the upcoming assessment may unlock some different strategies and options for you to help with your everyday functioning as a ND individual.

I have spent quite a bit of time worrying about what the future holds and how I can change it, to the detriment of my mental health and general well being.  Try not to worry too much about work right now - you are still working casually and earning an income.  A full time job may or may not come in the future, but its important to recognise what you are needing now for you, and with everything you are dealing with at the moment, adding extra work hours may not be the right fit at the moment.  Also after being in a toxic workplace, the fact that you are still managing to work casually is a great achievement!

As for the noise and crowds at shops, have you considered the "quiet hours" that some supermarkets offer?  They turn off the music and lights are dimmed to assist people who have difficulties with these things to still be able to get out and get their shopping done.  Another option might be click and collect - still getting you outside but less time spent in a noisy environment?

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Tranquil_Atoms]

Hi @Llamadrama1212,

I too went through this feeling of grief. After going through all the assessments, I found having a diagnosis actually provided me some validation as to why I am the way I am. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with being ND. In fact you grow to realise how your brain working differently can be advantageous. So if you do get a diagnosis, welcome to the community of awesome thinkers. 🎉 

Also I would like to share an amazing book that helped me and others I know during our journeys.

bookhttps://www.chloehayden.com.au/shop/p/different-not-less-book 

[Llamadrama1212]

I apologise for causing concern. I am feeling safe thank you 

[Llamadrama1212]

Thank you. I love Chloe Hayden! When I save up a bit I’m definitely going to buy her book