Lived Experience Forum

[Josie72]

I’m so over feeling sad.

My life is good.

Sure I’m in transition - I’m selling my place that I own outright, living in a rental that I don’t love but it’s fine for the next 12 months while building a new home in a new town 8hrs away. Im excited for the future & have many plans to make it all I want it to be.

I have a new job - I was worried about money as I went big on my new house and didn’t want to sacrifice too much, particularly things that are best done during build. I was okay without the job just had to scrimp hard and go without. Now I’m good. I can do some things that bring happiness that I was scrimpping and I can save again.

The job is fine. I can do it really well. It’s a bit boring but it will do just fine until I move away. It’s actually perfect for me for now

There are a couple more milestones that I need to pass - my sale settling, final pricing for new build, land registering & build starting but they are fairly minor compared to the big ones that have passed over the last 8 months or so.

The kicker - I have BPD with Depression & Anxiety. I largely have that under control. My mum passed away last July which sent me in a tail spin. I did grief counselling, I did Sane counselling but that stopped. I could restart it but I don’t know if it was helping or not.

I just wanted to be happy. I was sad for so many years with Depression. I worked so hard and made so many changes to feel happy and it worked. I built on it and life was amazing. It took me 15+ years.

2023 was horrendous for me. Everything fell apart. I totally understand that it’s fair that I feel sad but I’m over feeling it. I’m over it sitting under the surface to raise up randomly with or without cause.

I want to be fully stable. I want to not be emotional.

[Doog]

I'm sorry you're feeling sad @Josie72. It sucks, especially since you've been working so hard. But sometimes sadness just hits and won't go away. No real advice; hang in there, keep using the tools you've found help and trust that things get better. I was right, hey, nothing useful!

[Snowie]

Hi @Josie72 

I'm really glad to hear about the exciting things that are happening within your life. It really sounds like you are making leaps forward.

However, it is hard when things are going well that we still feel sad. I'm sorry to hear that 2023 was such a hard year for you. It is hard when things happen that feel totally out of our control.

Do you have regular support at all? Like a psych?

I'm not sure what fully stable looks like. I think it is probably different for all of us. I can understand the want to be 'stable'. I think it is something we all would want in our own way.

Do you use any sort of goal setting at all? 

Are there any things in the past that have helped?

Sorry for all the questions.

Not sure if I have been any help but at least know that we are here and are listening. Sometimes just getting things out can help.

[Josie72]

Hi @Doog 

It is one of those things where nothing helps… Well, Time and tools help a little but it just keeps coming back. The Depression nature of it. Nothing helps permanently and that’s what I’m over, the foreverness of the inexplicable nature of this sadness.

[Josie72]

Hi @Snowie 

No support, not for this stuff. Even when I do have someone to talk to I never have anyone to talk to in these moments and when I seek support the sadness often doesn’t show as my instinct to present as okay tends to overshadow the sadness. My mum used to be the one person I could turn too, to a point. I’ve had to adjust. These forums tend to be best because I can type, think, process and get some support.

I think what is making it worse atm is that for a year or so prior to Jul 2022 I had a stable, happy 12 months or so. I had a job I loved in a workplace that was ‘family’ I was seen and valued. I had rediscovered my love of motorbikes and a group that I ‘fit’ with. Was valued, included, accepted. My emotions and moods were more stable - the swings were not as extreme, more within ‘normal’ ranges. I have BPD

I hit my worst in 2005 when I became a single mum of a 1 yr & 3 yr olds. It was a very long journey from that point to 2021 from being in the deepest depth of darkness and into the full light with no sight of the tunnel.

I love goal setting. My grief counseled highlighted that I am Goal oriented. I am also highly determined. I set mini/ daily goals. Flexible goals, medium and long term goals. Goals to step me towards other goals. Milestones etc. I use my tools, individually and in combination, I cycle round them in no particular order to push through and keep moving forward. In part this is also what I’m over as much as anything else. I have to constantly “work” at it. Particularly atm cause when I stop. The sadness rolls. Tears fall. Fight or flight runs. Sometimes I let it flow. Sink into it, feel it and just try and let my body and brain process without ‘me’ getting in the way. BUT… I also don’t want to sink into a full Depression, which is alway a fear if I let it roll. 

Questions are good… They help me think/ process… 

Ultimately… I have to hold onto my goals. Wait for time to pass… for my move to occur in about a years time… This I start a new life. I think in part. I know I’m not happy with where I’m at - the building and town I’m living in. The job I’ve got. They are sufficient. They are good for what they are for this transition… but I’m not happy. And I love happy. I’ll never forget the first time I felt happy after about 8 years of fighting Depression. That first glimmer of hope. It only lasted a second at the time but I have been striving towards it ever since and having had it consistently for about a year. Knowing that it’s possible… I want it back!… lol I suppose that’s the thing… I know it’s possible…so as long as I continue with my goals… as I have in my past… then I can get it back!!!

[Snowie]

I'm glad these forums are a place of support for you @Josie72 

I guess it would feel worse that you have had a good period of time and now you feel like you can't get it back. It would make it hard to accept how you feel at the moment and what your life looks like at the present moment.

I'm glad that you find goal setting helpful. It can help us when we meet those goals, whether they be small ones or big ones.

I hope with the move that it does help. However unfortunately that is still awhile away. I guess you have to ask yourself of what you can do in the present moment to help yourself. To feel content with your life for now. To make the best out of a difficult situation.

It's hard to answer those questions. I struggle with them.

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Josie72 I relate to what you've said. Sometimes when we've worked really hard for something (be it physical or emotional stability) when this is threatened or knocked down it hits us extra hard. I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother. I really find interim situations difficult to deal with but it sounds like you've got good perspective on it - why such a big move? Are you looking forward to a new set up? 

[Josie72]

Hi @Snowie 

So I was thinking the same thing - What makes me happy now… Riding with my mates. We have a good ride on Sunday but I also want to get away for at least 1 night so I hit them up and we are planning a trip away… either 1 or 2 nights…. That will also give me something to look forward too and give me boost..

We’ll probs do a few before I move.. Already feeling better

[Josie72]

Hi @Jasper_123 

I grew up where I am now. Left as soon as I could. Came back with a broken marriage and 2 young kids for mum’s support. Now she is not here I’m really hating on this town. I’m mid NSW coast, going back to QLD little further up from where my kids were born. I regret leaving but couldn’t stay there on my own when my marriage ended. I’ve tried going back twice before but couldn’t swing it. Now I can

My work changed as my mum got sick so I left. My friendship/bike group has dwindled so there is just not enough here for me… Really I only have 1 friend but that is limited to bike connection and I need more which just isn’t available here

[MayaBird07]

Its great that you have so much to look forward to and work towards, I can understand your frustration of being over feeling sad.

I know when I get like that I almost punish myself mentally for feeling sad when I think I 'should' just be happy. I have BPD as well. 

Learning skills like reality acceptance has been helpful in the sense that I have more acceptance for how things are, good or bad, and know that I am working towards getting better. Things may not be as good as I wish they were, but I know this is temporary and things will improve in time. 

Losing your mum amongst all you have going on would have been tough, you are allowed to feel sad. Go easy on yourself.

Its great you have goals you are working toward and it sounds like you've got wonderful things ahead. I wish you all the best and I hope you feel better soon.