I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Thanks @tyme 

I am so tired and exhausted I think if I can get a decent nights sleep it may help. Especially since I go back to work tomorrow. 

The mood cycles are unbelievable and draining. 

I had condensed milk with my weetbix and hot chocolate! 

[tyme]

Yes! @Captain24 ! Insomnia was my former issue too. Meds helped a lot. I don't need meds now though. I had to re-learn to sleep. I felt like a baby in sleep school. 

Because I couldn't sleep, i became more anxious that I couldn't sleep, and then I ended up staying awake for days on end, and buzzing around. Of course, then came the mental/emotional crash - not pleasant!

So yes, I hear exactly what is happening for you. But I also hear things will get better.

What do your shifts look like this week?

tyme

[Captain24]

OMG @tyme that is so it.. and the mood cycles are getting worse. It’s good to know that if I keep working a may get through. 

I work day shift Friday Saturday and Friday. Then nights Monday and Tuesday. 
I think it could be tough if I keep going the way this week started. Medication change isn’t going to help either. At least work is the only stable thing in my life at the moment. 

[tyme]

My jaw drops each time I read your posts @Captain24  because I feel you are posting my former life. Work was the only thing that kept me alive. 

It the BPD world I was in - emotional instability. Up one moment, down the next. Then the impulsivity kicked in and I didn't 'feel' what I was doing. 

Good to know, things are definitely better. If it wasn't the connection I made on these forums, I don't think I'd have the strength to speak out about my MH.

The 'venting' is so necessary. It's healthy in a way - otherwise it gets all knotted and twisted inside your head.

[Captain24]

All I can say @tyme is I’m sorry for what you went through but it does give me a little bit of hope. If it wasn’t for work I would have given up. It is hard to do it but at least it’s an achievement and ‘normal’

After today’s appointments I feel like I’m losing my mind. So many questions were asked that I was ashamed of my answers. In hindsight there was more things that I didn’t say. 

Being on here has helped me open up and not feel ‘crazy’. Just venting on here has also kept me mostly safe as well. Getting it out helps me to let go a bit. I just feel bad that I’m always struggling. It has also helped me open up a little bit to 2 people in my life. I can’t let out the bad stuff though. 

[tyme]

I am so intensely proud at how far you have come @Captain24 . We are all learning. I'm learning something everyday, and every time I have an interaction with someone here on the forums.

When you see your MH team, don't feel you need to 'protect' them. Do what's right for you. Above all, respect them. That's one thing I learnt in my MH journey. No matter how 'good' or 'not good' a pdoc or social worker was, I always respected them and was very gracious to them. I was grateful they had the time of day for me. I was grateful they even spoke to me! I was grateful they would even blink an eyelid to help me. To this day, I cannot thank my treating team more. 

Whatever happened, the good and bad, has made me what I am today. 

I have also learnt that a heart of gratitude cannot give place to depression at the same time. Your mind may switch from one to other quickly, but it cannot be grateful and depressed together. What do you think?

I'm going to start getting ready for bed. Hope you get a few winks of sleep tonight @Captain24 . 

Hugs, tyme

[Captain24]

No I don’t think it can be both at once @tyme . 

I was protecting myself and some of my past I never actually connected to my MH at all until thinking about it tonight. 

Sleep Well. Hopefully these meds will help me sleep but not affect my work tomorrow 

[hanami]

Hi @Captain24 

Just wondering how things have been for you this week?

Hope you're improving, 

Hanami 💮

[tyme]

@Captain24 - What time does your day shift finish today?

Let me know when you are ready for a cuppa.

[Captain24]

It’s been a wild ride this week @hanami . I’ve had massive highs and big lows. I thought the highs were a good sign but apparently not! Lol. I have learnt so much about myself though. I’ve been really scattered though. I wanted a drink but went to the pantry to get it kind of thing. Need to get fuel and drive straight past the servo. I have noticed that is happening quite often. 

Not long got home @tyme . Being alone all day has had me thinking a lot… It’s given me time to process all that has happened and all the questions I’ve been asked. I now can see some of the signs in my past. 

Thanks for checking in both of you