I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I don’t have any bread @Jynx. I’ve just spend the last half an hour on the toilet. 😢 

I deserve to be alone and am scared to share again what is happening. I’ve been trying to put on a good front but this is kicking me in the arse big time. I need to stop the spiralling now before I get too deep and can’t get out of it. 

We are in this together and we will both get there! I hope the inspection goes well and I know you can do it. I know you won’t see this before then but just wanted to let you know that I’m behind you every step of the way. 

I hope this week is good to you! 

[Captain24]

No.. you can’t ask for where you are out. You just have to do what you are told @AuntGlow. 

That sounds good but I’ll be at work for the next 2 nights. So if you do happen to respond I won’t get it until the morning. 

[Captain24]

I haven’t done much at all today. All I’ve done is some grocery shopping, been to the chiropractor and cook dinners for work for the next two nights. 

After dodgy steaks at work for lunch I didn’t sleep well, I was up most of the night. 

I have a really bad feeling of impending doom. I don’t know how to shake it. It’s a really unsettling feeling. It’s making me pretty anxious. 

[rav3n]

morning @Captain24!

i know you said you haven't done much today, but that already sounds like a fair bit to me! eek sorry to hear about those doggy steak... do you feel a lil better now?

the impending doom feeling is the worst! i found that movement and fresh air helped reduce it for me. basically, when i can't shake off a feeling, i literally try to shake it off by dancing around or just wiggling my arms/legs so the nervous energy settled in my body can fly off. have tried something like that before?

[Captain24]

Hi @rav3n 

I do feel better now and I’ve just eaten which has helped. I needed lunch before I go to bed anyway. I need to take my night meds. 

I usually clean my house too the mornings that I have before going to bed for nightshift. I achieve heaps usually on these mornings and it’s always easy to complete. 

I haven’t tried that. Being out to drop the dogs off at mums did help a little, now I’m going to have a shower and go to bed. Hopefully when I wake up it has passed but I will go for a walk around my backyard and see if the fresh air helps! 

After spending most of the night awake I’m hoping that maybe sleep is much easier today. I need a good 4 hours to be able to function properly and my sleep still hasn’t been great. 

[AuntGlow]

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@Captain24 wrote:

No.. you can’t ask for where you are out. You just have to do what you are told @AuntGlow. 

That sounds good but I’ll be at work for the next 2 nights. So if you do happen to respond I won’t get it until the morning. 

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That makes sense, and that's totally okay!! I will be here. 🫶 @Captain24 

[Captain24]

I’ve woken up and I’m really tired after being up most of last night @AuntGlow. I really don’t want to go to work. I’m hoping I get a good job again but I doubt it.

I really really need a break from life. Just to be, just to relax, just to rest, just no pressure 

[AuntGlow]

I'm sorry you had a restless night... how are you healing after your procedure? @Captain24 💖

And I completely understand that desire to just be without pressure. 

I have been doing some reading on how cultivating a feeling in the body before our circumstances change can be really helpful in shifting our emotional state and relationship to the situation/environment  we are in. I know this is SO much easier said than done... but I wonder what it would be like to practice sitting with that sense of putting less pressure on yourself at work tonight? Even for 1 minute, as a sort of experiment? (I will try it with you!) 

[Captain24]

I’m not sure how I’m healing. @AuntGlow. I’ve had my period for 8 days and still going. I have had period pain for all of those days so I don’t know if it’s ‘normal’ or not. I usually get it for 5 days and only have pain for 2. 

I really think I could do with a recharge in hospital but that is 100% not an option. 

I can try that tonight and see. But I don’t kinda get it. Do I just sit for a minute and breathe? Calm myself down? Or talk to myself and say ‘I can do this?’

I need something to take the pressure off. 

@rav3n said to try telling myself that if I don’t get everything done it’s ok or doing some tasks half-arsed. I did do that with 2 of the spare rooms. I just made them look ok not perfect. I reminded myself that it’s my friend and see really won’t care that it’s not perfect. 

Oh.. I hit a roo on my way home this morning. People think they are only out in the dark but this was 7:20 this morning in full daylight. I slammed my foot on the brake and managed to hit it at about 30km so there is not damage. I feel bad though as I didn’t end his life. It cartwheeled a few times and then limped off the road. Now it will die in pain.