I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I got up and felt ok. It’s been a while as I’ve been waking up a little down. @Jynx 

I managed to do some of my job list. I even got to the bottom of my ironing pile for the first time since February! I got dressed and went into town. Only for a happy meal to get the squishmellow.

I had a positive outlook on the day!

But after I sat an had lunch my world started to darken which is why I went to bed. I’ve been trying so hard and I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing wrong. 

[Jynx]

Don't think you're doing anything wrong at ALL @Captain24 I think it's more likely that this is just the result of your body returning to familiar habitual patterns. All our feelings start in the body, and THEN our minds interpret them. So your body might just be going 'oh it's 4pm, usually I pump out extra sad chems around 4pm, better do that!' or something like that. And then you get sad and go 'huh? but I did everything right an had a good day why am I sad?' and then THAT makes you stressed out! 

Proud of you for trying so hard!! It may not feeeeel like it's helping but it is!! 

[Captain24]

I’ve had a few rocky days @Jynx.

Ive been trying things off my SP to limit my mood. Ive been working very hard. But I've spent a lot of time in bed. I’ve been trying to do things each day. Like yesterday I bathed the dogs and changed my bed linen. So I’ve been making accomplishments. Even with my  low mood.

So when I woke feeling good I thought it was all past me. That’s why I’m disappointed in my self now. I must have down something wrong. It’s been different to the other days. I thoughts it was going to be a good day. 

So what did you get up to on your break? Any shenanigans? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hope you don't mind I make an observation!! 

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@Captain24 wrote:

So when I woke feeling good I thought it was all past me. That’s why I’m disappointed in my self now.

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It's the 'thought it was all past me' bit. This feels very familiar to me, this kind of thought process. Guess why? It's the black and white thinking again! To think that it's 'ALL' past you in one good mood, on one good morning, is SUCH a deliciously tempting thought. It feels hopeful, it feels like we are making progress, it feels like everything is gonna be okay.

But it's still an 'all or nothing' thought, you see? And one that sets us up for potentially hurting our own feelings!! 

An alternative thought to try might be 'wow, I am feeling so good this morning! I wonder how long I can make it last."

Also, if we know that crashing is a possibiliity, perhaps even a likelihood, then if/when it does happen we won't feel so disappointed. Because crashing is not going backwards, it is your body trying to return to the habits you're trying to break. And breaking them doesn't happen overnight.

There's absolutely NO REASON to feel disappointed in yourself hun. And crashing in the afternoon does not undo the good feelings you had this morning! Literally nothing can, because you already had them! 

Mainly getting amongst the staff conference hehe. It was really good! 

[Captain24]

Fancy me having a black and white thought! @Jynx.

Last night I felt really alone. But I didn’t have an SI and low SH thoughts. So that was a big step from the day before. I didn’t have SI but some very strong SH urges. 

That’s why when I woke up this morning feeling good I thought that I had gotten through. But yes.. I set myself up. 

With the ‘I wonder how long I can make it last’ isn’t that preempting a slump? I tried to talk myself out of preempting. 

That’s like I’m trying not to preempt my mood in the next couple of days as I’ve dropped my meds again and I’m scared of the withdrawal. I don’t want it to be as bad as last time. So I’m trying to tell myself it’ll be fine. 

So crashing is inevitable until I can break it? Just keep trying? I’m getting tired of trying so hard and failing. 

I see where you are going. I had the good moments and it can’t change as it’s already happened and let myself be proud that I did have a clear head. 

I heard it was awesome. Did you get heaps out of it? Meet new people? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 

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@Captain24 wrote:

Fancy me having a black and white thought! @Jynx.

Last night I felt really alone. But I didn’t have an SI and low SH thoughts. So that was a big step from the day before. I didn’t have SI but some very strong SH urges. 

That’s why when I woke up this morning feeling good I thought that I had gotten through. But yes.. I set myself up. 

With the ‘I wonder how long I can make it last’ isn’t that preempting a slump? I tried to talk myself out of preempting. 

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Ooh yes you're right you're right! Good catch. That was just off top of my head. This is why we brainstorm! 

Hmm so what do you think you could say to yourself if you catch yourself with thoughts like 'Oh yay all the badness is finally over' or something very final and conclusive like that? 

Crashing being inevitable, hmmm. 

I guess it depends on what your definition of 'crashing' is? Cos like... we're human, our moods and feelings are always gonna be fluctuating. There's no such thing as a 'happy' person in terms of the fact that it is physically impossible to feel any of our emotions all the time. I think setting a goal (even unconsciously) that we can get to a point in life where we're never gonna have a bad mood again is just a little outta reach 😅

So like...is crashing just the end of a 'good mood'? Is it when you're experiencing SI/SH urges? What is 'crashing' for you?

I did!! I met some of my colleagues for the first time despite working with em for like a year lol, the telehealth sector is a bit like that! But yeah got HEAPS out of it, lots of wholesome moments, many chortles, a good time indeed!

[Captain24]

I shouldn’t assume it’s all over @Jynx. I also need to change my language. I’m not suppose to use the words ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’

I could think of it as a rest from the thoughts and relish in the moment. Accept it for what it is and know that this journey isn’t linear. That it’s ok to crash in the afternoon. It’s still a step forward. (Is that better?)

I get that you can’t be happy. I want to be content and be able to deal with the general ups and downs, being able to pull myself out of them. I’m not trying to set myself up to fail. I wasn’t happy this morning I just felt good. 

The start of crashing is not having anything else to give. Not being able to stay outta bed. Being mentally drained. The negative thoughts of being useless and worthless. (I didn’t have those this morning!) The feeling of numbness. The feeling of hopelessness. The disappointment in myself. 

Then the lead in to SH/SI thoughts. I’ve worked really hard in the last few days to limit them. But I am tired of trying and not succeeding. Them still being there in varying depths. 

I haven’t been suicidal though so I guess something is working. I’m not making any sense. 

Im not sure if the lower dose of this med is being through ADHD symptoms. I’m really scatter brained. I can’t focus. I can’t think. I can’t concentrate. 

Am I making any sense? 

So good to meet people in person, not through a screen, and get to actually know them! So glad you got heaps out of it and enjoyed yourself. As I said to @tyme last night, I can feel it through the screen as to how good you found it. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 

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@Captain24 wrote:

I could think of it as a rest from the thoughts and relish in the moment. Accept it for what it is and know that this journey isn’t linear. That it’s ok to crash in the afternoon. It’s still a step forward. (Is that better?)

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OMG YES YES YES!! Oooh even better, we could shift it to 'It's okay IF I crash in the afternoon' - that way it's even less of a 'this is probably going to happen' and more room for 'hey it might NOT happen' 

What do you think? Heck that's an affirmation I'd be writing on a post-it note for my bathroom mirror 😊

And thank you for taking the time to expand a bit about what 'crashing' means for you, I can understand a little better now. It's not about a 'negative' feeling, it's about the sense of overwhelm, exhaustion, and feeling completely defeated by it all, is that about right? And yeah sounds like you are setting realistic goals for yourself in how you are seeking contentment! 

Totally random thought, could be completely irrelevant to you but... instead of trying to stop the SI thoughts, you ever tried laughing at them? The reason I ask is cos sometimes these days when I get an intrusive suicidal thought outta the blue my response is to just go 

'OMG bahaha alright brain, thanks for the valuable suggestion but uhh, I am good!!' almost like... by laughing at it and saying it's ridiculous, it removes the power from the thought and helps me refocus.

Could you give it a go? Or would that feel like you were invalidating yourself maybe? 

You are making perfect sense in your nonsense darling, yes, scatter-brain is rough and it is very frustrating to feel like you have to extra clarify everything hey, especially cos for many ADHDers, we've had a lifetime of being misunderstood, so we feel the urge to over explain. I literally saved a meme about it today lol 

D'aww I am glad to hear that our enthusiasm is that potent hehe. 

[Captain24]

I will write it done. It was pretty good especially coming from me @Jynx 

It’s ok is better than the preempting. I’m worried I’ll get in trouble for not being recovery-focused. But it’s hard with meds changing. 

It just comes over in a wave. I feel glide through my body. It’s hard to explain. But yeah.. the negativity comes after the initial overwhelm and exhaustion. 

I don’t think being content is too much to ask for. It feels obtainable eventually. 

I don’t know about laughing at them. By the time I get to that point it’s hard. My psych has suggested to acknowledge them though. To try and take the power back so I guess it’s similar. I just can’t do it yet. I know that means once again I’m failing. I promise I am trying hard. It just beats me. Does that mean I’m not recovery focused? Cause I’m going to get a lot worse before I’m off these meds. But I feel like it’s not my fault. I’m not trying to be difficult. It’s just messing with my head big time. 

Im always over explaining. I always have done. I always get upset if someone misinterprets what I’ve said and it upsets them. But right now the whole scatter-brain thing is really bad. It’s bordering on not being able to function. But then again could it be coming off the meds. It’s so hard to know anything right now. I’m so mixed up and so confused all the time. 

Even my posts are incoherent! 

I was looking at my job list on Friday and I always do everything in the same order. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make the tasks small enough to be achievable. I just kept looking at the list and it’s like it was just a jumble of words. 

I don’t know what is wrong with me or what is right with me. I’m just a jumbled mess. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hmmm well let's help you out eh - I get the sneaking suspicion the anxiety is coming from feeling like you aren't 100% on what 'recovery focused' means, so you aren't quite sure whether you're meeting the mark or not, that about the it?

Nothing in your posts tonight have overly concerned me hun. You've put so much effort into working through that affirmation together, AND you told me I was wrong about something, so you stood up for what you believe in! Yeah nah you're doing so fine hun, wonderfully even!! 

I see what you mean about the 'ADHD symptom increase' in terms of getting jumbley brain! Do you know if you have dyslexia? 

My ADHD symptoms always get worse around my period, and when I'm overtired. I reckon it would make sense that messing with other brain chems could have a similar effect. I can't recall, does your workplace know about/accommodate your disability? Would it be worth flagging with them or would that cause more troubles for ya?