I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I hate them coming around. They invade my space and treat it like theirs. I hate anyone coming around. This is my space and I need it kept safe from others @AuntGlow. This is what is hard about the bbq. My space will be invaded by so many people. Anywhere from 8-12 people. Right now I just need the comfort of being in my own. I don’t have it in me to talk or be nice to anyone. I don’t have it in me to fake it. I need support badly. I need someone to be in my corner. 

I just had my dietitian appointment and I have finally agreed to eat one substantial meal a day. It’ll start after the bbq. I’m going to try and stick to it. My body needs proper fuel. 

I don’t have it in me but I want to push and get all of my stuff done tomorrow morning so I can spend the afternoon resting. I really need it. I’m really struggling. I’m really not ok. I can’t even say I feel safe. It’s just so hard.

Sorry it’s not recovery focused but right now I just can’t. It’s about each minute. Sorry for my ramble

[Captain24]

They have no idea how hard it is right now. @rav3n They never even check in. Not that I would tell them anyway. Mum says my brothers girlfriend has ‘issues’ and isn’t quite right as she has MH problems. That makes me feel so unsupported. 

I want to clean my pantry. Even if I do a shelf. Maybe if I start I can get into the groove. I’ll just focus on one shelf at a time. Knowing you are ‘watching’ gives me a push. 

[rav3n]

ugh my mum's said similar judge-y things in front of me too, it's so disappointing and painful to hear especially when its from family members @Captain24 i'm so sorry you have to deal with that. you deserve support from people who listen and try to understand you 💙

okay so the first goal is 1 pantry shelf - got this! "watching" makes me feel like i'm 'big brother' watching from above lol. but yes, i'm here keeping a virtual eye 👀

[AuntGlow]

I completely get this. Having your safe space disrupted is incredibly triggering. You deserve to know that it's protected... I am wondering what you could do to help create a sense of safety within your home during this BBQ? Can you think of any boundaries that could be put in place, for example? @Captain24 

One substantial meal a day would be so grounding... slow steps. This is a wonderful intention. 

Your safety is really important, so it's okay to reach out to Lifeline or SCBS if you need to, okay? 

In the meantime, resting sounds really important right now. 💛

[Captain24]

I’ve done 2 pantry shelves @rav3n. I didn’t clean the shelves I just tidied it. It looks a lot better. I still have one to go but I think I’ve pushed it as far as I can today. At least it only one shelf I have to face tomorrow. 

My kitchen is now a mess but it’s just rubbish that needs to be thrown out. Maybe that can be my next thing. Tidy the kitchen and do some ironing. I think that’ll be enough for tonight then. It makes tomorrow a little easier and then if I need to I can rest all afternoon. 

You won’t be around to watch though so I need to push myself on my own. 

Have a good night and thank you so much for today. 

[rav3n]

yay i was hoping i'd get an updated before i log off - proud of ya for getting those 2 pantry shelves tidied up 💙 @Captain24 

so next up:

- tidy the kitchen

- do some ironing 

you got this!! and maybe i'll tag @Ru-bee as well, if she's around she can check-in on you too and see how things are progressing.

hope the rest of your night goes well, fingers crossed you get to rest up well. good night!!

[Captain24]

I don’t know what I can do with boundaries. @AuntGlow. I’m worried about feeling invaded. Hopefully they leave early and I can rest. My social anxiety is sky high. I love my aunt and uncle but I think my uncle can see through me. I don’t even know my cousin that is coming or her kids or her partner if she is bringing him. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I’m really scared. I’m scared of how I’ll be after it’s all over. Am I going to crash? 

I’ve cleaned 2/3 of the pantry with Rav3n’s help. It’s nice to have a sense of achievement when things are so tough. I just want to do 2 more things so that tomorrow is a little easier and I can get some rest. But it’s so hard to push through. I don’t know if I can do it. 

I don’t want to reach out again. It makes me feel like a failure. I know I am a failure but it’ll make it more so. I am really scared though. My thoughts aren’t good. 

As I’m writing this I’m struggling to get off the lounge. Maybe I can’t do anymore. Maybe I’m failing at that too. 

[tyme]

Sorry to butt in @Captain24 , but I really wanted to say I just ate a handful for turtle chips (sweet corn)... I wasn't impressed... sad story.

I'm just hopping off to do a group for Recovery Club. I'll be back later.

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Butt in all you like. I love hearing from you.

The sweet corn would be different. You really have to try the Churros ones. I tried the popcorn wasn’t very nice. 

Look forward to talking to you soon. 

[Ru-bee]

@Captain24 Honestly it's awesome the amount of stuff you've been able to do despite having such a hard time. I can't imagine that being failing!

I know that you can be hard on yourself and it's easy to focus on those negative thoughts when you're not feeling great, but I do just want to gently point out that the whole point of services like lifeline is to help people when they need it and they're going through times like this. Using the service doesn't make you a failure or a burden 💜