Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaddow101]

So I wanted to be able to find a group of people that understand what it is like to live with someone that has a mental health condition and the ongoing impact that it has on your own mental health. Over the past few months I have felt judged by some of my so called friends as they do not understand what it is like to live in survival mode on a day to day basis. 
What makes it even more difficult is that I do this for a living. All the knowledge in the world does you no good when you are dealing with someone you love. 
My daughter has struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember. She is currently 18. She has been assaulted when drunk at a party when she was 13 she has been hospitalised twice. She engages in risky behaviours and experiments with drugs. She makes unhealthy attachments to inappropriate males. She has been in emotionally abusive relationships. She became a school refuser in year 9 and. Then never really returned to school after COVID. Her default when challenged is hostility and cruelty. And to be honest I am emotionally and physically afraid of her. 
After working with my clinical supervisor she meets all criteria for BPD but has consistently refused mental health interventions. 
On top of this my husband is an alcoholic and has also been refusing treatment. 
I have a number of supportive friends who have experienced trauma and my colleagues understand. Unfortunately there are a number of friends in my group who are extremely judgemental about how I try to “survive/parent” my child. 
I have no fight left in me and my only goal is to survive each day without conflict. 
sorry for the long rant but I know there are people here will understand 

[RiverSeal]

Hi @Shaddow101,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for posting!

The Forums are a great place to find people who understand what you are going through. It is often the case where friends are not as understanding about mental health as we would like or expect. Our peers in this community will have shared similar experiences and I know I have myself with my own MH journey.

Your daughter's experiences sound really challenging and she has been through a lot. It sounds really tough that she is when she is hostile and cruel as her default when you challenge her. I'm a little concerned that you are emotionally and physically afraid of her and wonder have you spoken to anyone about this situation. Nobody should feel like that and even though it's your daughter you have the right to your own safety. Have you ever felt like you needed to call 000 for your safety? I'm going to include some carer support information here for you to have a look:

• https://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/mental-health-carers/do-you-need-help-now/
• https://www.mindaustralia.org.au/resources/carers

It can be quite common for people to refuse treatment for their MH and it can be part of the journey. Acceptance that you have an MH condition is really challenging to overcome for many people. It's called anosognosia https://www.healthline.com/health/anosognosia. We can often have traits of different MH conditions and getting a diagnosis often takes multiple sessions with a psychiatrist. Focusing on the symptoms is a good way to treat undiagnosed MH conditions but I understand this is challenging in your situation.

Also, the situation with your husband is another challenging situation you are facing. Once again it is up to him to do something about his actions. There are various organisations that can help your husband and his drinking and depending on which state you are in there is a phone number where you can call to get counselling and assistance. Do you think he would be open to having a discussion with someone about his drinking?

SANE has a Support Line where you can speak with a counsellor and we support carers regularly if you would like to chat with someone. If you are feeling like you are not supported by your friends and judged on your parenting choices it might be good to speak to someone who gets it. I will add a link here for you to have a look at: https://www.sane.org/counselling-support.

Please let me know your thoughts and do keep reaching out to the Forums!

Take care

RiverSeal

[Shaddow101]

Hi RiverSeal
Yes we have had the police previously and I did get some support through victim services. But I often find I am too emotionally exhausted to engage in those sessions.
Have tried pointing my husband in the right directions but he never follows through.
My goal is to keep my head above water the best I can.

[tyme]

Hey @Shaddow101 ,

I'm sorry to hear. It must be exhausting to be in this situation for extended time. 

At the same time, I am glad you have reached out here because this is for YOU. It sounds like you have done your best to support your family, yet sometimes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

This is why looking after YOU is most important. 

Have you been able to set up boundaries with your family member in order to keep you safe?

I'm curious to know why your husband is not willing to get support. Does he see there is an issue, or is he quite comfy with how things are?

[hanami]

Hi @Shaddow101 

Just popping in here to say I hope you find some support here on the forums. I can only imagine how tough things are fo you. I know what you mean about doing it for a job but it being different when it's your own loved one. Totally different, hey!

Anyway, I hope you find some of the resources others have mentioned helpful for you. Looking forward to seeing you around

Hanami