Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Valiant83]

Tough one today

I’ve been feeling stronger but this evening I allowed my imagination to take over when my son didn’t answer his phone … for two and a half hours … there were other behavioural difference too, he hadn’t been on Instagram since yesterday and hadn’t responded to messages I had sent this morning … anxiety sprinkled with PTSD took hold and I was in my car ready to do the three and a half hour drive to find out if he was alive … thankfully he called back when I had been on the road for about half an hour so no big deal … as I said, imagination plus anxiety and I was literally trembling with fear … I had convinced myself the worst had happened and could not bear the thought of trying to sleep tonight without knowing one way or the other!

Any advice about how to navigate this catastrophising and the knee-jerk, ’rescuer,’ over-reaction???

Also, how do people trust their child/ren when they seem to on the verge of another episode, when they’re not making good choices anyway and the ‘to be or not to be’ question is the elephant in the room!!!

I’m exhausted and hyper vigilante at the same time 😒 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Valiant83 

Thank you for sharing here on the Forums!

That sounds like it would have been really challenging to deal with and I can understand your wanting to go and look for your son. I'm so glad he called and you could get some peace of mind and you didn't have to drive too far. I can't imagine what must have been going through your mind and how you must have been feeling. Certainly demonstrates you are a caring and loving parent for your son.

It's hard for carers because of the emotional attachment and a learned skill for a lot of people who work to support people with complex mental health. With mental health, we give people the dignity of risk to make decisions and experience life in their own way. But we also have a duty of care to watch out for foreseeable risks to prevent any harm to someone. I found this article which may help in understanding how these work when supporting someone: Duty of care vs dignity of risk - what does it mean? - ISM (ndism.com.au)

I can't speak as a parent specifically but I hope this is helpful and might give you somewhere to start to research and connect with other parents here on the Forums.

Take care 

RiverSeal

[Valiant83]

Thanks @RiverSeal 

Getting clarity around these two concepts has helped me sift through my reaction and gives me the language to better assess this situation. The need to consider my duty of care/ dignity of risk for my son is critical, and it extends to his daughter (my granddaughter) AND to myself.

It is self-evident that I have a duty of care to them both, and previously the family court had allocated a formal undertaking to that effect. That is no longer in place but possibly my heightened sense of responsibility hasn’t been set aside and I’m still hyper vigilant about the risk his health poses to his relationships with his daughter, himself and me.

He’s also defensive about any comment or attitude that suggests he isn’t able to parent his daughter, even though I repeatedly remark on his natural skill and ease in the role. He becomes another person when he is with his daughter and it is a joy to be with them when the love just oozes out of them!

However, his mental and physical limitations are real barriers, which I know causes him anxiety, and I find myself walking on eggshells, assessing every action, choice and conversation. My anxiety becomes obvious, as does his anxiety about my anxiety, and perceived lack of trust, which then triggers his anger … what a roller coaster.

This is where the duty of care to myself comes into consideration. I chose to leave the most recent holiday access visit because I was struggling with his increasing anxiety and expressions of anger. There were accusations that I was undermining him, when I felt he was the one who was undermining me and becoming jealous of my relationship with his daughter. His anger became verbally abusive at one point and his daughter witnessed this outburst, causing distress. My duty of care is to deescalate the situation, which I did … and dignity of risk? Well, he has the right to express his anger but not to the degree that it causes harm. It seems he’s not aware of the point where it moves from anger to abuse.

One of the things he said to me during the  outburst was, “why don’t you talk to me like an adult, like you talk to your friends and like you talk to [my granddaughter]” He sounded just like an abandoned two year old child and my heart broke even more.

Which brings me to that question, in protecting myself, am I adding to the risks he then has to manage?

He lives alone, except for these access visits, he can’t work at the minute due to his complex health issues, including his mental illness, and because he relocated last year to be nearer his daughter (her mother made choices without any consideration of my son’s needs) he has no local circle of friends or family to call on when he needs help. His father is an hour away, and it’s a three and a half drive for me to get to him.

How do I/ we increase the emotional, financial, community and professional supports he can draw on so he can be the best parent possible, maintaining a level of health and minimising the risk to himself and his daughter. Right now, I have no obvious solution for the need and feel uncertain about even beginning the conversation with him. He’s turning 40 later this year and it does seem like this is a crucial moment in his life to establish his independence.

When this has been my goal as his parent, supporting him to become an adult, why am I feeling so frightened? Is it really a lack of trust in him, am I overly pessimistic and unnecessarily protective?

Have others had to navigate this environment? Any stories of how this has been managed would be appreciated.

Bit of a long post tonight 🤣 best get a bit of sleep 😴