Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[LeighO]

Hi. I’m new here so please correct me if I write anything I’m not allowed to. 

My now 17yo started going really downhill end of 2021 and then it escalated from there. I knew she needed help and the amount of services I got linked to us was crazy but she just kept getting worse. I found out by accident that her Psychiatrist suspected BPD and then that was clarified by various other medical people. In Aug 22 she ran away (she was hardly attending school by this point or if she did she would lock herself in toilets. She had pushed away her Dad first of all and stopped contact, then all her friends, then all her family until I was the last one left before she ran away). When she was found, I was interviewed by police as she had accused me of violence that hadn’t happened. I had been interviewed once before when she’d run away for a night and accused me of this too. She was held on an adolescent mental health unit for 2 weeks during which I was investigated by Child Protection and both the Police and Child Protection found no foundation to the allegations. (N.B. I have a 20yo daughter who lived with us too until she went to university in Feb 2022). My 16yo refused to come home at the end of the two weeks, so she went to stay with my friend while we found her somewhere. (To note, she had said to multiple people including me in the past that she wanted to go into the foster care system. There was a program she watched that made foster care look amazing) I managed to get her a placement at a Salvation Army youth hostel programme in November 22. The only time I ever visited the town she is in is when in November I took her belongings there and met her case workers in a car park. 

In March 2023 I had the police come to my house and I was terrified something had happened to her. They presented me with an application for an Intervention Order taken out by a Salvation Army staff member on my daughter’s behalf against me, again accusing me of violence and saying she was scared I would turn up at her school or something. She had been there since November and I had never tried to visit the town or call any schools etc to see if she was attending. I worked for the Salvation Army myself and in the end I left in April 2023 as it hurt too much to be trying to fight against an AVO that had been brought by a different section of the company I worked for.

We had court at the end of March which I attended online with my lawyer and the magistrate put an Interim Intervention Order against me for the next date in May as initially I was fighting the Order as the accusations were untrue. My mental health went severely downhill and by the end of May court case I ended up accepting an Intervention Order without admissions (which means I deny the allegations) The Magistrate said she thought that was for the best too. The AVO is against me for 2 years. 

I am totally lost. I know my daughter is no longer with the Salvation Army as I was told at the second court hearing. I don’t know if she’s safe and well and if I’ll ever hear from her again. Her father and sister don’t seem worried and just say that she’d run away again if she didn’t feel safe. There is nothing I can do as I have this AVO against me. 

We had moved area beginning of 2021 to a new state. I haven’t made any new friends or even attempted to socialise outside of people I previously knew, because I am so ashamed of what people will think of me when they ask about my children and I tell them. No smoke without fire is probably what I would have thought myself if someone had told me this before. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to feel good about myself or feel I’m worthy of happiness. 

I wondered if there are any parent support groups that meet in Melbourne that I could join. if I could link with people who understand and have been through things themselves, maybe I can start to heal myself. I want to be healed and positive and ready for if she ever reached out and I also want to not be letting this stop me having a great relationship with my other daughter. 

[Hazelsmemory]

I am new here and have been through something similar. I have an adult daughter that I have been estranged from for years. Maybe we can be a shoulder for each other? I don't know how it works on this forum but you are welcome to message me if that's an option. Wishing you the best. xx

[LeighO]

@Hazelsmemory Thank you for your message. What was the story with you and your daughter? How have you managed to move on with your life and have a healthy life for yourself? 

[hanami]

Hi @Hazelsmemory 

Welcome to the forums! I'm one of the peer moderators here at SANE. Unfortunately you can't message others directly but you can tag a member by typing the @ symbol and looking for the member's name that will appear in the drop down box.

I hope you find SANE welcoming and supportive. I read your story and it sounds really tough to have gone through what you have. My heart goes out to you. 

I look forwards to seeing you around.

Hanami

[hanami]

Hi @LeighO 

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you found us here at SANE.

Your situation sounds super challenging and distressing. I really feel for you. Have you tried reaching out to some of the carer's organisations? They may be helpful for you. Let me know and I can provide some links. They may be good for you too @Hazelsmemory 

Sending hugs to you both

Hanami

[LeighO]

@hanami Thank you for the information and support 

[LeighO]

@hanami I would love any info on carets organisations thank you 

[hanami]

You're welcome @LeighO !

These ones might be helpful 

- Carer Gateway 

- Carers Australia 

- Mental Health Carers Australia 

Take care

Hanami

[LeighO]

Thank you so much

[Hazelsmemory]

  Unfortunately, my story doesn't have the best ending. Maybe things will change in the future, I hope...

   I have 6 children, 4 are adults including my daughter. She is 28 now. When she was around 13/14 she started having mental health issues. Depression, self harming, leaving home. I tried getting her help. We went to Orygen Youth health, Headspace, Anglicare. Nothing helped. She kept getting worse, I called emergency services multiple times because I thought she would try to end her life. Police got involved. She got angrier. On one of the occasions when she left and we reported her as missing, the police eventually found her a day or 2 later but they would not let her return home without setting up a protective order for me and my 2 young children because the police were concerned my daughter might hurt one of us. About a week after that, we were watching a movie late at night (me, my husband and 19 year old son) and she came in the front door, went to the kitchen, grabbed a sharp object, came at me and said "do you wanna call the police now?" before any of us could react she passed out and fell on the floor. 

 Turns out she had been doing drugs and we had no idea. We thought it was all mental health but there was drug use, too. 😞 She ended up in hospital and refused to come home after that. She didn't want to live by anyone's "rules" she bounced around from house to house and we had on/off contact for years. I helped her whenever she asked with money and food and anything else she needed. She eventually cut me out of her life in 2017 with no explanation. I don't even know if she is still alive. I don't know how to find her as I think she moved and changed her number. 

  I hope things turn out better for you. I still struggle as I have 2 teens who are both autistic, one is adhd and has behavioural issues. It is constant, it is overwhelming, I have no help and no friends. So, life is still a struggle. 

   Hugs to you, friend.