Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sashi]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting. I'm at my wit's end. I'll try to give the briefest possible run-down of whats been happening.

Background: My brother has confirmed diagnoses of ADHD and asperger's. I personally believe he also has undiagnosed schizophrenia due to presenting with most symptoms (cannot confirm hallucinations as have never had the discussion), and there is also genetic predisposition and historic/current drug abuse. He denies mental instability or psychosis.

Situation: My brother is currently homeless and living out of his car. He has had a volatile/turbulent relationship with our parents for many years which came to a head earlier this year and my parents called police and severed their relationship with him. Me and my family are leaving for a 6 month holiday around the country in 2 days. We offered for my brother to stay at our place while we're away approx 12-18 months ago when he was in a much more emotionally stable place. Since he has been homeless, ties have been cut with our parents, and both my sisters have estranged relationships with him, he has been loitering at our home almost daily. He has sabotaged every relationship in his life and has no one else. He insists on involving me in conversations consisting of defamatory delusions about our parents, which I do my best to shut down in a way that is non-inflammatory. I fear for their safety. I have had MULTIPLE conversations with him about topics that are not up for discussion, and about personal boundaries relating to privacy at home and time alone with my family, and he continues to completely disregard those boundaries. I am a non-confrontational person so these discussions are very difficult for me to have. Unfortunately, my brother has pushed me to a place where my empathy and my compassion are gone. I cannot be around someone who is so emotionally volatile and makes me feel as anxious, stressed and UNSAFE as I do.

Question: My sisters are telling me to revoke our offer to let him stay in our house. It is important to note, we are only 2 days away from leaving. I feel inclined to honour our agreement. I know he is messy and disorganised but I trust that he will keep the place fairly well intact for the next 6 months. I want to sever the relationship when we return but, I guess, my question is in two parts:

a) Am I a horrible human being for cutting him off completely when he is mentally unwell?

b) Is there a way to end the relationship permanently without bringing harm to myself and/or my family?

Any help/advice would be much appreciated, thank you.

[Jo-anneJoy]

As it is now 11 days since you posted, with no replies, I assume that you and your family are now one week into your 6-month holiday. If you are checking in, and your brother is house-sitting, it could be necessary to contact him on a regular basis and if he becomes uncontactable; to request a welfare check.

You do not mention if he has support from mental health services, GP, or other resources where he lives.

[KatieFleur]

Hi Sashi,

This sounds like my twin sister.  She has pushed every family member away because of her abusive behaviour and because I’m the older twin, I feel responsible for her so I’m her only connection to family (other than her son).  

My twin was diagnosed with delusions and bipolar mania and refuses to medicate.  She has all the symptoms of schizophrenia and her son was recently diagnosed with this.  They both experienced prolonged drug use as a result of childhood trauma.  

I have been accused of many hurtful and dangerous things by my twin who has even posted false accusations about me on her Facebook page. Many years ago, the police took an ADVO on her to protect me and this made her hate me even more. 

I’ve learned to accept that their violence and abusive behaviour is part of their illness and it has nothing to do with how good or bad I person I am.  

However, even after 30 years of managing them, my twin and her son still occasionally reduce me to tears. 

For what it’s worth, here’s what I do to protect myself:  

1. Restrict access to my home in order to create a safe and peaceful space for me and my partner.

2. Limit the time I spend with them psychically.

3. Divert my twin’s emails away from my inbox and only check emails once or twice a week.  She can send dozens of abusive emails in a manic episode.

4. Try not to react to her aggressive emails and rather encourage her to speak to a social worker or mental health professional. 

3. If we socialise, I do it in a public place so as to limit their desire to project their anger onto me. 

4. I often remind them that their mental illness is not my responsibility to fix and that the only person that can heal them is themselves by seeking professional help.  

5. I remind my twin to access psychotherapy (which I am willing to pay for) although she has only once taken that up and paid for it herself. It was very helpful. 

6. I email links to articles so that they can educate themselves about the latest research on mental health treatment.

7. I engage other people to help them in life and in their careers, because if I try to help them myself, it only creates an opportunity for them to project their anger and abuse onto me.  

To be honest, it’s taken over 30 years for me to learn how to protect myself from their abuse.  

Self care has to be a priority for me.  

I don’t know if they will ever heal and I’ve given up trying to help them to heal.  I’ve learnt to accept that this is their life path, their Illness journey and that if they chose never to heal, I have to learn to respect their decisions and accept that.  

i hope this helps in some small way.