Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Ha ha .. thanks heaps @Dino14  ... you are a very kind gentleman.

Sharpei .. are they the wrinkly looking dogs?  They are quite large in size I think.  I'm glad to hear that Percy knows he's a good looking fellow.  You asked if we can post pictures.  Yes we can.  When you are in the posting window, you will notice at the top of the box a series of different functions listed.  One of those is a small black and white pic of a camera, with the word 'Photos' along side it.  Select that option and it will take you to an area where you can choose a photo file.  Then select 'done' when you are loaded up.  It will then come back to the usual posting box, and your photo will be there. Any photos have to be moderated (approved), so will not appear immediately.  

Please be careful not to post any pictures of yourself, or anything or anyone which might enable another reader to identify you.  Bear in mind that this is an anoymous forum.  For example, you have used your lady friends name of Kylie, and thats fine because its not an uncommon name.  However if it were a very unusual name, it would be better to use a pseudonym. Given you live in a rural community, it may be easier for other people to recognise you.  So just keep that in mind in any interactions here on the forums.

I recall I had a favourite uncle when I was in my teens and early 20's.  He was my hero, my Dads younger brother.  Lived in remote farm, was unmarried .. and was a really good sportsman.  He was a top cricketer, even travelled to the City where he played Grade cricket.  I think his main claim to fame there was in getting a hat trick.  He gave me one of his cricket bats when I was a kid, and I played with that bat with great pride.  He was also a very good district tennis player.  Tennis was the big sport in the country areas, along with cricket of course.  Sadly my uncle George died in his late 50's.

Your big fry up lunch yesterday sounds pretty good to me.  We also had pavlova, plus a Christmas Icecream Cake I made for something different.  It was nice too ... a layer of chrissy fruit cake, followed by vanila icecream laced with rum, spices, fruit, glace peel and cherries, berrys, nuts, etc.  Plus a layer of frozen berries in between another layer of cake and icecream.  Then lots of fresh berries on top along with some crushed meringue.  Looked good, and tasted good.  Yes I will need to work hard to burn off some of that indulgence. No Dean, you did not offend me at all.  I am used to a fair bit of similar language, spending a lot of time in a shearing shed. Grew up on a sheep farm, and my husband and I had a fine wool sheep farm until we sold some 10 years ago. I think the increased exercise to burn off the Christmas excesses can wait until tomorrow though, I am intently watching the Boxing Day cricket at present.  I expect you will be too, so I wont need to tell you that we are batting and we have lost a very early wicket already.

Yes sport has always been big in my life.  When I experienced my trauma, I initially tried to manage the symptoms by spending more time at work, and doing more sport. When I suffered my back injury 3 years later, I lost my ability to play sport or do any exercise at all for over a year.  Then it was a very slow road back, even to walk properly.  But it meant I no longer had my usual coping mechanism, so it just made everything so much harder.

I am happy that you have remained heavily involved in your sport after retiring from the playing side.  Your history is very impressive I have to say.  I think its great that we have our sporting hero's, and you are clearly that, for many others coming through your footy club. My sister was a very good highjumper too, and represented at state level. I could jump a bit, but lack of height does not help much.  And I never learned the fosbury flop method, just stuck with the old sizzer jump. I represented at state level, but only for 100 meters and long jump. My sporting achievements were in a different place to where we live now, so I suspect my victories are long forgotten.  Although I know my name is still front and centre on a number of A grade squash Championship boards in a few places, and I think my name is still alongside a couple of junior 100 meter sprint records. Maybe I will live on, even when I'm gone?  I am sorry that your lack of a healthy self esteem does not permit you to accept that you are indeed worthy of Kylie's love.  I hope that changes in time.  You really do come across as a very genuine and good person.

Oh no .. thats so hard for someone of only 15 ... to lose your best mate, and then for your mother to say such a thing to you.  That is terribly harsh and uncaring.  And it was doubly tragic that his brother was driving the other car.  People dont get over things like that.  My brother was driving when his 11yo daughter died in the accident.  Not his fault, it was a terrible windy day and a tree branch fell onto his ute knocking him out and causing the car to run off the road. It was a low speed thing, but as fate would have it, the passenger side took out a small sappling tree which shore off a piece of metal from the passenger door frame and killed her instantly.  Naturally my brother blames himself. As he says, I was driving, there is nobody else to blame but me.  It has devastated the family though.  So I really feel for you, plus your best friends brother.  I can also understand their father turning to alcohol, which is terribly sad.  

By the way, I had Percy stay with me while you were out yesterday.  He has been the perfect gentleman, and even got along very well with my little Holly.  Did I mention it was Hollys birthday yesterday?  She and Percy had a little party while you were gone.

I hope your yesterday was good.  I realise you are at your nieces today for Boxing Day.  I too hope she has the tele going and has the cricket on.  And yeah ... you're right ... we are both good people, and we both deserve happiness. Said with an understanding smile.  

Sherry 

[Dino14]

@Former-Member  hey,

Just replying.... My Percy doesn't have the sharpei wrinkles just the markings where the wrinkles should be.  So he has "Sergeant stripes" on his forehead which almost allow hime to smile or frown. A cute concept in a dog.

Anyway... so your Uncle George sounds a bit like me from what you say, only he wasn't loopy like me! (Joke!)  I went up a level, for 2 seasons, in cricket too and had success but just didn't enjoy it like I did with my true mates.  But I proved to my brother that I was better than him at least one thing just to prove a point to myself I guess.

I'm not enjoying your pudding at all.  I'm not a sweet tooth in any way, it's just pav gets me for some reason.  Twice a year maybe.  My pavlova is still in one piece.  My daughter will be here tomorrow for two days. It still should be OK to share then.

Wish I had a magic spell to fix your back and then use that spell on all the heads in the world that rumble like mine.

Anyway thank you for distracting My Percy.  I've had a pretty good day and hopefully I'll have agood sleep.

X

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51 Please dont ever feel obliged to reply, only if you want to, and have the time.

Just finished watching my Sydney Sixers beat Perth Scorchers in tonights BBL game. Sixers won 😀

Heading off to bed now, but wanted to respond quickly now, in case I dont get a chance to tomorrow.

My frozen icecream cake is pretty sweet, kind of like a xmas pudding using icecream as the medium. Not for everyone Im sure.

Glad to hear today went well, and hoping your daughters visit tomorrow is also enjoyable. What does she like to do in her spare time?  Has she inherited any of your sporting ability or love of sport?

Percy does indeed sound like a bit of a cutie.

Sleep well 😴  Good night.

Sherry

[Dino14]

Hey @Former-Member 

Well done Sixers.  Aussies going quite well although I've had no time to watch the test yet.  Glorious day here so I won't be stuck inside watching.

My daughter has no interest in sport and was born with all her mother's sporting ability (none at all) and none of mine.  My boy is a bit the same.  Hed did play cricket from 12 to 15, in the under 16's, and played 4 seasons for 4 premierships.  He struggled but was just starting to develop as a batsmen and also becoming a senior member of the team.  If fact the coach told me he was going to make him Captain in the season where he gave up.  He gave it up when his mother made it impossible for him to get to training and of course couldn't discuss it with me.  So I didn't find out until it was too late.

And so on the subject of my kids I wanted your opinion on something.  Should I share my problems with my daughter.  She is 17 in March so is not a baby but not an adult.  If I share anything with her, how much?  I think this is where most of my current problems stem from.  I have no idea about parenting and it does play on my mind constantly I've just come to realise.  When she's here she rarely comes out of the bedroom and our only converstations are about what she would like to eat today.  Should I wait and discuss this with the Phsycologist?

Anyway, I'll wait to see if you have any thoughts on that.

Have a good day.

Dino

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dino14 

Yes you're right, the Aussies are doing well in the cricket.  Set a good first innings target.  I was very happy that Travis Head made a century today.  Hmm, I am guessing that you may be a Victorian?  Based on AFL prowess.  But could be wrong.  I now live on the mid-north coast of NSW, up where all the dreadful fires were back in November. It is a pretty big area though, so I am not giving much away as far as exact location.  Thankfully the rain we had on Christmas morning has extinguished some of the huge fires on the Coastal side of where we live.  We had almost 2 inches, which was fantastic.  And enough to finally put out some of the still-burning fires near here.  We never had to evacuate from where we are, but were on standby to do so.  I'm glad you have a good day where you are.  I know the Test is being played in great conditions today too, though I gather it is expected to get to 41C by day 5.  Ha ha ... good old Melbourne weather ... 21C yesterday and up to 41C by Monday.  I hope you have been able to do something enjoyable outdoors today, to make the most of the glorious day?

Thats a shame your daughter does not share an interest in sport with you.  Sounds like your son did, but circumstances (or perhaps his mother) prevented him from developing into a good little cricketer. Most unfortunate, as it would have given you and your son a shared interest and may have enabled a closer relationship between the two of you.  

Gee, asking my opinion about whether to tell your daughter is a tough one. When I married my husband, his daugher was 16yo.  He also had a 23yo son.  I had a good relationship with my step-daughter and still do.  My relationship with my step-son was somewhat rocky however.  He had a girlfriend, and they were both into drugs.  They had a child (my eldest step-grandson is now 21) at the time and came to live with us not long after we got married.  They continued to smoke weed in our home, despite my repeated requests not to.  No respect for people, things, or their young baby.  In the end I put my foot down and told my husband that if they wanted to continue to use drugs, that they could move elsewhere.  So they did.  They split up some 12 months later, and my stepson brought up their baby. He ended up marrying a lovely lady a few years later and they now have an additional few kids.  My stepson and I now have a very good relationship, but it certainly started rocky. 

As far as whether you share your problems with your daughter or not, I think its a very personal thing.  Only you will know whether you think anything can be gained by telling her.  I will say that these days teenagers are very much aware of, and sympathetic towards, mental health issues in general.  They see it discussed a lot on TV, through social media channels, through school and amongst friends, and spoken about very openly these days by our sporting heros.  I'm sure she would not judge you if you were to decide to talk to her about your challenges.  I probably would not go into a huge amount of detail about it, although it would be appropriate to touch on the basics.  And if she asks questions, be as open as you are able to.  You could maybe start the discussion by saying that you have probably not been the best Dad to her that you could have been, or that she may have wanted you to be.  And you could go from there.  In other words try to make it about her, try to include her.  Explain that you are having difficulties and going through a tough time right now. Let her know you are seeking help to try to overcome these difficulties, because you want to be a better person and therefore a better dad as well.  How do you think that would go down with your daugher?  Anyway thats just my personal opinion, and it may not be right for you or your daughter.  Certainly it would be appropriate for you to talk to a psychologist about this subject, but that could be a little way away still.

Having said all that, I have to say that I would find it very hard to talk to someone about my own MH issues.  In fact I do not talk to anyone in my real life about it, other than my psychologist.  The only people who know I even have PTSD is my Clinical Psych and my GP (who my psych told).  I never tell anyone else.  Even my husband does not know I have been diagnosed with PTSD, although he is aware that I was sexually assaulted a year or so before I met him.  I did not tell him about the PTSD because he is old school and thinks the only people who have PTSD are military people. Incidentally, I used to think that too, but know differently now.  It was somewhat of a shock when I was told of my diagnosis.  But its my secret.  Hubby just thinks I'm a little crazy sometimes, and gets mightily annoyed at my OCD tendencies as well.  But telling him I have PTSD will not make the slightest difference, so why tell him?  Its not a competition after all .. he has PTSD from his time in Vietnam. 

As far as telling other people ... I do not have any real friends left, hubby made sure of that.  He is exceedingly jealous, possessive and controlling.  I have aquaintances I guess you could say ... long time friends of hubby.  If I had a close friend, I dont know if I would tell them either.  I just find it too hard to talk about things.  If someone knew I had PTSD then they would also want to know what caused it.  Thats too hard for me to talk about.  But I think for you .. that may be a little different.  And sometimes talking about things can definitely help. 

So it all comes down to whether you are comfortable in telling your daughter, and whether it will actually achieve anything.  Is she likely to tell her Mum  and would that make things difficult for you?  I dont know, there could be lots of things to consider before talking to her.  

I hope your day is going okay.  I was hoping to get to the gym this morning but my hand is really sore from the other day, so I didnt end up going.  Maybe tomorrow.  I have spent most of the day watching the cricket, and getting a few household tasks done.  A wasted day in other words.  I hope your day has been more productive than mine.

Sherry 

Here is a photo you may appreciate.  It was taken at the Sydney Olympics 2000.  My husband and I were there the night Cathy Freeman won the 400 metres.  It was fantastic, a real buzz.  This photo doesnt show anyone, so it should be safe to post here.  It shows the big screen with the record crowd numbers on it for attendances at the Olympic Stadium for that night.  My husband and I were part of that crowd.  I will just tag @Zoe7  here too, as she may like this photo too.  I would put some of Cathy running the actual race but it shows identifyable people in it, so cant do that.

[Zoe7]

Hey @Dino14 Our wonderful @Former-Member tagged me into this thread so I could meet you and I am glad she did. I have read over much of this thread and it seems we share some similarities - I love AFL (my first sport of choice), love cricket also but a mad Liverpool (soccer) fan and tennis tragic. I also have a dog that is my little buddy, shadow and constant companion - his name is Toby (everyone on the forum seems to knwo Toby lol - I do post images of him often and constantly talk about him). I also have a cat that we simply call Cat here - just been through a major health scare where a large cancerous growth and part of her intestines were taken out. She is doing really well though which is such a blessing to me.

I also have CPTSD from several traumas. My father was quite abusive - especially when he drank - and I copped the most because I stood up to him even as a child - that continued until my early 20s - now we have a really good relationship so there is hope for you and your kids ...never say never ...and I agree with Sherry that kids these days have a much better knowledge and understanding of MH and Mi - it is part of the school curriculum as well as being prevalent on social media. Your daughter may actually appreciate you being honest with her and it could open up lines of communication that you don't presently have. From what I have read it could not make things any worse but it is totally your decision as you know yourself and your daughter best.

The trauma we face finding or seeing a close family member has deceased is substantial - it never goes away. I found my grandfather and tried to revive him so have that constant image in my head, taste in my mouth and often hear the sounds around me that I heard on that morning - one of which was a rib breaking as I was performing CPR. I can imagine what you were presented with with your father was even more difficult so completely empathise with you - it doesn't matter that you were not close - what matters is you lost someone and in the way it happened it has affected you immensely.

As for the relationship with this women - you know love and you know why it ended. I too pull away from anyone when they start getting close - it is a defence mechanism to avoid further hurt in my life - I know that. When we have been hurt so often and so deeply - especially when it has come from childhood and continued throughout our lives in major ways - it is understandable that you have shut this women out and made it really hard for her to be with you. That does not mean you are in any way broken - it simply means that you are protecting yourself in the only way you know. Here there is still hope as well because you know why you are doing it and want to improve yourself. I don't personally think it is about being a 'better man' but more about dealing with your 'demons', your avoidance strategies and your coping mechanisms and changing some aspects of those to be able to be more open and honest about why you do certain things and in certain ways.

From your discussions here with Sherry is seems that you have a great insight into why you do those things and are the person you are because of so much you have had to deal with. Do not underestimate the effect that trauma have on our self esteem and feelings of self worth but from everything I have read about you so far it seems you have a hell of a lot going for you ...but that belief in ourselves is hard to recognise life has been so hard. You can be assured that we here see your value and you definitely matter to us.

[Dino14]

Hey @Former-Member  & @Zoe7 

So much to take in with those two messages but I'm glad you both replied.

I couldn't find a way to talk to my daughter last night when she got here but hopefully today I can.  I also discussed it with Kylie who helped as well.  She knows my daughter of course and said a lot that made sense.  So am going to at least let her know that I'm struggling and within that let her know that I love her.  I will give her the option, as Kylie suggested, to walk away from the conversation if she's uncomfortable but also I will answer every question, if she has any.  That way she will be driving the conversation and will know as little or as much as she wants.  Anyway I will talk to her, it will be a hard conversation to start but I managed to talk about it with my favourite niece on Boxing Day.  I made myself do it as she is Kylie's best friend and was confused as to what had happened with me and Kylie.  Kylie was not telling her much as she was protecting me I guess, knowing my reluctance to share.  That is my biggest problem.  I need to open up.  I always cocooned myself when I got depressed as I had never really had anyone to turn too.  I had shared with Kylie but not enough.  If only I had it may have been different.  Anyway..... I'm rambling again.

But one more thing.....It's strange how things you say sound familiar.  Kylie has had two long term realtionships before me.  The first one was a violent man who belted her regularly and the second didn't allow her to have friends or a life and controlled her with threats.  A gun to her head at it's worst.  As she said to me, she swore she wouldn't live her life again trying to please someone else and living for their happiness.  She didn't need my problems in her life even though she loved me completely.  She did try but I wouldn't let her in.  We/I got too hard.  It makes sense.

I ended up with the best of both worlds yesterday, achieved a bit out in the yard and sun and watched a fair bit of the Test match.  No I'm not a Victorian by the way, the man who made 79 yesterday shares a state with me.  I have met him a couple of times and he is a terrific bloke.

Glad you got some rain Sherry to help with your fires it's drying out fast here now and I'm on call Monday to Wednesday.  Here's hoping my fire-fighting kit stays sitting on the back seat of my car unused.  Olympics would have been great, I remember being in crowds of 100,000 at 1 Day Internationals and many AFL Grand Finals and a Melbourne Cup.  It is a lot of fun.  The best was probably Aus V Eng in the late 80's I think.  About 98,000 people from memory and 95,000 supporting 1 team, what a noise.  Better than the dozen or so AFL Grand Final I've been too.

All that you say makes sense Zoe and thank you for sharing all that.  I'm learning what Sherry tried to tell me before.  It helps to share and to know that It's not only me that has been dealt the losing hand so often.  It's time to play the Ace I have up my sleeve.  That Ace is me.  Just be me.  Sort this nonsense and live.  Find the postitive's.

Anyway another day of sun, cricket, My Percy and of course my daughter so I won't go on anymore.

Percy thanks you.

[Zoe7]

Hey @Dino14 There were so many positives in your post despite you not yet being able to talk to your daughter. Kylie sounds like a very lovely, wise and caring person and it is great you can still bounce things off her even though you are not together. Sometimes that connection/friendship is all that can be achieved - especially when we know we have issues in relationships which make it nearly impossible to sustain them. That is why it is great you can still talk to her - she must care very deeply for you - just as you do for her.

Her advice re your daughter is sound and informed - she knows you, your daughter and your situation best and it sounds like she has great advice that will help both you and your daughter understand each other a little better. Talking about our mental health with loved ones is never easy (I have not done that myself either - mainly because I don't want them to know everything I have been through and have questions asked that I cannot answer). I like the idea that you can tell your daughter that she can walk away from the conversation at any point - it would be a lot for anyone to take in and having that option to take time to digest what you tell her is important for both of you. She may not take much in to begin with and if she does it may take time to process - that is natural when we are confronted with this type of conversation. In saying that - being open and honest with your daughter may also open up the lines of communication more also and that would be a good thing for both of you. Whatever the outcome you are brave in starting the conversation so give yourself the credit you are due for that.

Let us know how it goes when you have had the opportunity to talk to your daughter - and no matter how that conversation goes or the outcome we are here for you.

Thank you also for sharing with us - it takes courage to do that also and you have been very open with how you are feeling, your struggles and the things in your life that are causing you most concern right now. I have actually liked getting to know you a bit on this thread and see a person that not only wants to improve themselves but has a lot of love to give. Unfortunately when we have had a life of trauma and/or disappontment it often becomes hard to open up or let people get close to us - you have done both of those things both here and with Kylie. It is not you who has 'driven' her away but your coping mechansims to shut off that closeness before you get hurt.... I get that - it is learnt behaviour from previous experiences - but recognising that and wanting to do things to change that is the first step - there may still be hope for the relationship with Kylie but if that does not eventuate it still seems she cares and you have at least a good friendship.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dino14  ... what a great post from you this morning ... so much to be positive about.  You really made my day. Thanks.

And Percy ... what a fine looking fellow you are.  Quite unique with those sharpei markings, but not the wrinkles.  Is he a big cuddly sook, just as he looks like he may be?

Bit busy this morning and early afternoon, so this is only brief for now.  Our cricket captain composed a very fine innings yesterday I thought.  Incidentally you share a state with our @Zoe7 , who has posted 2 such thoughtful and helpful posts here.  Of course its not just VIC who are staunch AFL supporters.  WA and TAS are also traditionally AFL states.  Unlike NSW, who is really only a relatively new convert to the wonderful sport of AFL.  When I was growing up in country NSW, it was all rugby union and/or league.  I really only came on board to AFL when South Melbourne Club moved to Sydney and became our Swans. Back in the days of Warwick Capper.  People like to make fun of Capper sometimes (or perhaps he does himself), but he was a terrific player. My husband is from WA, and used to play AFL in their state competition, before joining the navy and heading off.  He trialed with St Kilda in Melbourne at one stage, but never made the final cut.  He also played rugby and league, but AFL was always his first love with regards to footy.

Your Kylie sounds like a wonderful woman, no wonder you are so much in love with her.  I would like to think that you will always remain good friends, even if your romantic relationship does not rekindle.  I will leave it at that for now, but there is more to address from your post.  So I will be back when I have more time to try to make sense of what I am attempting to say.  Best of luck with talking to your daughter today.  Kylie was spot on with all that she said there. Talk later.

Sherry 

[Dino14]

So @Former-Member & @Zoe7 

I did it finally, took 24 hours. Talked to my daughter. Wish I could say it went well but I guess it didn't go badly. It just went. No questions but maybe they come later.

So positive this morning and I will be again, but not so much right now. All good though. Just without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done.

So now just so I can ramble on a bit I will, randomly I'm guessing, respond to those comments from you this morning.

Sherry, I never had any time for Warwick Capper but I'm with you. Anyone who can kick 100 goals in a season in the big time had to be able to play. Don't remember him kicking 16 in a game like me but I suppose he played at a "slightly" higher level. Tony Lockett would be the best Full Forward ever, in my opinion, and he learnt his craft at St. Kilda. My team by the way from an early age. I was fortunate enough to grow up knowing Darrel Baldock, a wonderful man as well as the best footballer I ever saw. Biased about Plugger and The Doc maybe but I know I'm right.

Kylie IS a wonderful woman, that I love for very sound reasons, but I'm not quite ready to fully accept that we may never be together again. So I ask you kindly to never suggest that, we might only be friends, again. Although I do realise that deep down I guess.  That goes for you to Zoe. I'm trying to a be little bit light hearted here I guess so bear with me.

Oh and Percy is a big sook but no so cuddly. He's nearly 5 and still as playful as ever.  Cuddles don't cut it with Percy but he loves a wrestle.

Thank you both for your thoughts about my dilemma. I know I've done the right thing in confiding in my daughter and thank you both for taking the time to give your opinion in the first place.

I'm going OK and just sent Kylie a message to see if it is still a "date" for me to visit her tomorrow to return our stuff to each other.

Look forward to hearing from you again although don't rush. My Percy needs feeding now and then I need to practice sleeping. Somehow I've lost that ability lately. But then again I've never been a great sleeper. Maybe that will improve in the future too.

Cheers.