Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

Thank you Soul. Kind words. I feel so lucky to have and to have had this site. I feel such gratitude to the community of carers looking out for each other. By now many friends are sick of hearing about the dramas or it's just too difficult or they've got their own lives to focus on or they just want to feel light and not burdened. Just by talking this morning I feel that today's weight of grief has been lifted.

I wish you all the best with your life situation as well

[Former-Member]

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@Jane9 wrote:
Thanks so much for replying. Yes it's grief. I can't stop crying

Yes I've been told its abusive behavior when she acted controlling and switched on rage with me and pleasantry with other people. It's hard to distinguish what's mental illness and what's choice.
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Yes I'm terrified of being judged. I am judged by her sister who used to be so supportive, saying she had 3 years of rest from this intense caring but as soon as I started getting distressed, overwhelmed and unfortunately angry, she withdrew her support. I am judged by her close and protective friends who see her face to face once a month for one hour, which is all she can handle. I was her go to person (and her sister) for everything. I judge and blame myself.

I just need to find self compassion as well I think. Thanks so much for listening and not judging.

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Hi @Jane9

So good to read that you are feeling better today because of the support of this forum. If anger/rage can be switched on and off by will it's a choice as this demonstrates it can be controlled at will. When one has snapped having a mental health episode they cannot be so selective or be under such control. It will hit whoever is around them at the time as they "lose control". That is how we know the difference.

Dont allow anyone to judge you. They were not the brunt of her rage and abuse which would of changed their outlook of the situation in a heartbeat ( I have gone through similar with my daughter). They saw her for one hour a month, nothing - you were there most of the time carrying the load. Judge yourself not - now is time for self compassion as you also went through a very traumatic time and also have needs to be love and respected. Grief is part of it but does ease in time I have found and in hindsight you will see that you did what was needed to no longer be manipulated. You did your best - now it's time for self healing. Sending you a warm hug

[soul]

How are you doing @Jane9. Did you manage to find something to distract you today?

@Faith-and-Hope - glad you have been able to immerse yourself in things that make life more bearable for you. I have never been to a cafe or restaurant by myself. I guess I feel too self conscious. If I am out and feel hungry I may pick up something to eat on the go or just wait until I am back home. I don't drink coffee, ist herbal tea. I get the feeling that the coffee experience is more encompassing. The grinding of beans, tamping it down in the filter, pulling the shot, steaming the milk, pouring it into the cup and then there's the coffee art. So much more than just tea leaves or even a tea bag plinkedvinto hot water.

It is important to have other things in your life or else you will become overwhelmed. I am so thankful for my kids even though I don't see them nearly as much as I would like. The dog is a constant companion and is laying beside me on the sofa as I type. 

Friends - I had many but I have tended to isolate myself from them, not wanting to talk about my situation, feeling that their lives are so much better than mine. I am learning to be content with myself as company and enjoy my long walks

[Faith-and-Hope]

Try taking a good book to a quiet cafe @soul ..... you will find you lose yourself in it and forget to feel as self-conscious ......

And order a "real" chai tea somewhere ..... with cardamom pods in it .....

💜