Guilt, Shame, Regret

[Number1Trauma]

Hey guys,

For those of you who haven’t read my other posts I’ll do a short recap. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer 5 weeks ago, and cirrhosis of the liver a week or two before that. Unfortunately it was too much for his body to handle, and he passed away this past Wednesday. 

The problem I’m having is dealing with all the different feelings that are popping up. Part of me feels like he’s just out at the shops and will be home any minute. Then once I accept he’s gone, I feel:

1) Guilty - That I didn’t visit him in hospital.

2) Shame - That I felt like he was a nuisance when he was sick at home, or when Mum had to spend 4 or 5 hours visiting him, and

3) Regret - That I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.

Can anyone else who’s lost a parent or loved one tell me if this is normal or what else to expect out of the grieving process? Or am I just an a**hole?

[tyme]

Dear @Number1Trauma ,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss and send my condolences.

As I read through your post, it reminded me clearly of the normal stages of grief/loss:

I hope this model will help you understand that what you are currently feeling is very normal. I encourage you to continue reaching out so as to have some connection at this time.

Griefline is a good place to start if you'd like that little bit of extra support. Their number is 1300 845 745.

All the best, tyme

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Number1Trauma,

I am sorry to read about your father's passing - I know that it isn't easy as I lost my dad last year.

Grief is a weird old ride and can creep up on you when you least expect it. In the initial stages of grief (just after my dad died) grief was all consuming and that's all I could focus on. Overtime it was less present but would come out of no where (e.g. when I heard my dad's favourite song in a supermarket). I read a good description of grief that said it is like waves - sometimes the waves are big and powerful and almost knock the breath out of you and other times the waves are more manageable. It sounds to me that you are feeling very normal responses to grief. 

Over the months since my dad passed I have begun to remember him more based on my childhood. There are more happy memories now around my dad and less sad  memories (like the experience around his death). Death of a loved one can be traumatic so give yourself time and don't be so hard on yourself. Try and remember the whole life you shared with your dad - your time together wasn't just in the final stages of his life. 

I did work for Griefline a couple of years ago and spoke to many people around their feelings of grief - what you have written is very common from my experience. 

Please take care of yourself.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Number1Trauma firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss. It just sucks, especially that the last weeks and months must have been so difficult and heavy. I know you're not alone in these experiences ❤️ 

You are absolutely not being an a**hole. We all respond differently, but what you're feeling is really common. When our loved ones are so unwell in their last weeks and months, it's really understandable that we wish we did things differently. And from the sounds of it, some of these feelings relate to circumstances in general being different. Especially given so much changed for you and your patents in such a short amount of time.

I think these feeling will pass with time, but I'm wondering how you've been coping with these feelings? Do you feel like you have support to help you grieve? 

[Eve7]

Hi @Number1Trauma 

I am sorry for your loss as it’s hard to lose a parent.

My Dad died 10 days after my hubby and I just went into automatic pilot and did not deal with the grief for years.

Time doesn’t heal but healing takes time. It’s hard not to beat ourselves up about what we did and didn’t do.

Be kind to yourself, focus on the good times and when you’re ready one day you’ll face the reality of it all and find you’re ok again.

Its early days…one day at a time 💜

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Eve7,

I just wanted to acknowledge how hard the death of your husband and your dad must have been - particularly so close together. I can totally understand why you went into autopilot and didn't deal with your grief for such a long time.

I really do hope you are okay now and thank you for sharing your lived experience to help others.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[BasicBird]

You're going through stages of grief and loss which is a very normal reaction to your situation. I'm hearing that it's very difficult to cope with especially when there is a regret involved which you think you should have been there for him. The world we grew up in somehow programmed us to take things for granted and what happened in your situation is you were being a human like everyone else who made mistake. It happened to the best of us. I'm guessing that sitting in the storm until it passes is probably not a bad thing. In the meantime, if you find it overwhelming to deal with don't be afraid to give mental health hotline a call as some users have already suggested the phone numbers. And if the thoughts interfere your eating habit, paying attention or sleep, you can try grounding techniques to take a break from your thoughts and bring awareness back to your body. It's very normal to feel out of your comfort zone at first but keep going!